Rhythm of Music
by converse128
Summary: AU where Jude and Connor are freshmen in high school. The two boys meet in marching band camp, and Connor quickly develops a crush for the much better marcher Jude. Will Connor be able to win Jude over with his marching skills? Or will Jude fall for Connor anyway?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Jonnor fanfic so please leave any reviews or suggestions you have. In this AU Connor and Jude didn't attend the same middle school and are just now meeting in high school. I do not own any of the characters.**

Connor's POV

I counted in my head, trying my best to avoid getting off step, or messing up my line. I loved marching band, but trying to keep the upperclassmen happy with both my marching and playing could be slightly difficult at times. The only thing that made the never-ending hours of practice worth it, was the thought of getting to see Jude. It frightened me to think of how just one conversation with Jude could captivate me long after we stopped talking. I could spend hours reading into every single word that the brown haired boy spoke to me.

I was suddenly brought back to the marching sets when the section leader of my section snapped at me by whisper -shouting, "Left, left, left." I was disappointed at myself for letting my mind wander to some place that wasn't marching, but it was hard with Jude next to me nearly the entire show. It constantly reminded me that he would never like me because I was in fact nowhere near as good of a marcher as him, nor a player.

In middle school, before I met Jude, I always had a passion for playing the tenor saxophone and was always good at it, but being a freshman in high school was a real eye opener. I was no longer the best and was constantly worried about messing up, and frankly I think I liked it better knowing I could out play any person who chair challenged me.

We were just heading to our last set of the final song when I caught Jude's eye for just a split second and caught something that could have possibly been something like panic. Just as the song ended and I snappily put my instrument back down to set position. Just then a question occurred to me, when had I even realized I was gay? I thought back to the months and even years before meeting Jude and realized that I had never noticed boys before, not that I had ever been interested in girls either, but the realization still confused me.

I decided to push the puzzling question away for later, as the band broke apart for a water break, and I was bound and determined to talk to Jude. I lightly laid my instrument down in the grass, making sure not to break the reed before bouncing off to find my crush. I quickly spotted Jude closer to the edge of the field drinking out of a water bottle he had brought himself, unlike most of the band members including myself.

"Hey Jude," I confidently said, while approaching the small boy.

"Oh hey Connor, aren't you going to get some water?" he asked, what seemed to me as nervously. Jude bit on his lip for a second before coming back with another question, "Or you know you could just have some of mine," he offered, sticking the blue bottle out in my direction.

"No thanks, I'm not that thirsty anyway," I managed to say rather coolly.

Both of us stood in silence for a minute before we were finally saved by one of Jude's older siblings coming over to talk to him about something. Taking my chance, I quickly mumbled a "nice talking to ya", before scolding myself, while making my way back onto the field, for ever thinking I could talk to Jude without making a complete idiot out of myself. Even though I felt like a fool I had to admit that one good thing had come out of the conversation. Jude was definitely as nervous as I was to talk, and I couldn't see any other reason why he would be anxious unless he liked me back. After what felt like forever the rest of the musicians returned to the field from their Gatorade and water and we began to practice once again, only to be stopped quite frequently for our director to scold us on one thing or another.

Throughout the rest of the practice I couldn't help but think about what it would be like to date Jude, or to even be close friends with him. I knew that Jude wasn't in any of my other classes, which made band even that much more nerve racking, it meant I had one shot every other day to try to get Jude to like me. Every day I anticipated the next band class or Wednesday night rehearsal, and I think it was slowly driving me insane.

I knew as our fun-loving but serious band director called it a night and sent us in by sections that I was going to be scolded by our section leader, Erin for messing up so much tonight, but I really couldn't help it. I began to walk in, trying to put as much distance between me and Erin as possible, and as little distance between me and Jude as possible, when I somehow ran straight into Brandon, Jude's sibling that had come over to talk to him earlier.

"Oh hey, you're Connor right?" asked Brandon hesitantly, not exactly sure if he had gotten my name correct.

"Umm, yeah I am."

"Cool, as drum major it's my job to know everybody's name but I have to admit I'm having a little trouble. I remembered yours because Jude talks about you a lot at home."

With Brandon's words I felt my heart skip a beat. Does this mean that Jude likes me? For all I know he could be telling his family what a terrible marcher and player I am. I resisted the urge to get sick right there on Brandon's Dinkles as my stomach twisted into knots. Nervously I asked, "Does he hate me?"

Brandon chuckled to himself before responding, "No he doesn't hate you, he just talks about you a lot. Not bad things, to be honest I don't know why he talks about you so much. "After giving his answer he wondered for a second and then came back with what was meant to be a joke, "I don't know maybe he has a crush on you!" he laughed.

With that Brandon went to catch up with some of the other drum majors and left me standing there in a daze. Did he really think Jude had a crush on me? Even though what Brandon said was supposed to be a joke it gave me the confidence I needed to go do what I needed to do.

I raced my way back to the band room knowing that Jude was probably already putting his instrument away. I reached our adjacent lockers just in time. Jude was sliding his hefty case into the small band locker. I sat my instrument down and placed myself slightly too close to Jude as we both took off our Dinkles. I swallowed my throat one last time before finally deciding to speak, "So umm Jude I was wondering if you wanted to like hang out sometime?"

I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see Jude show somewhat of a blank expression. Of course he didn't like me; all the signs were just in my head.

"Uhhh, yeah sure that could be fun I guess," he seemed to say somewhat reluctantly. My face fell with disappointment, at the obvious fact that Jude didn't want to spend time with me, but stupidly asked for his number anyway, "Okay well can I have your number so I can text you?"

"Yeah sure, give me your phone so I can put it in and you can just text me whenever," he said this time slightly more enthusiastically.

I gladly handed the brown-eyed boy my phone, before returning my instrument to its case. After handing my phone back to me, he hesitated as if wanting to say something else, before saying goodbye.

"Just text me whenever."

"Alright, I will," I say kindly.

Once I had finished packing up my instrument, I smiled at the previous events. I was so glad I had finally worked up the courage to ask my crush out on a date, even if I was the only one who knew that's what it was.

 **Thanks for reading and please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is fairly short, and is mostly Connor's thoughts, but I promise the next chapter will be longer and more interesting as well. Bolded stuff is texts. So far I'm thinking that everything is going to be from Connor's perspective, but I may add a chapter from Jude's perspective so I will keep letting you know. Once again I don't own any of the characters.**

Connor's POV

It was nearly midnight the following Thursday as I lay in bed listening to music through earbuds. As soon as I had come home from school I had started my homework hoping to find any distraction I could. Ever since I had received Jude's phone number I had debated with myself weather or not I should follow through with texting him. I had to admit that I was petrified of Jude rejecting me, and that I would find myself heartbroken, but that wasn't even the problem at hand. No matter how hard I tried to work up the nerve to text Jude my fingers couldn't seem to, possibly type out the message that needed to be sent.

After nearly three hours of lying on my bed and internally debating I decided that I was a hopeless cause and started to get ready to go to sleep. I went to my bathroom and grabbed my tooth brush and tooth paste from the counter and began scrubbing at my teeth in circles, still listening to music. Just as I was about to discard the paste from my mouth one of my favorite songs quietly entered my ears. Listening to the lyrics for what seemed to be the first time, the poetic rhymes seemed to give me whatever courage I needed to text Jude.

I hurriedly spit out my toothpaste, rinsing out my mouth all the while holding on to the words of the song for dear life. Nearly running to my phone I almost tripped over what seemed to be a discarded plaid flannel on the floor. After a split second of sheer fear of falling, I caught my balance and began roughly throwing my blankets around on my bed searching for my phone. Finding it under one of my pillows I grasped the phone in my hands, trying for the life of me to remember my passcode. How could this be happening, it was the same four numbers that I had been using as my passcode for eight months. Just as I was about to throw my phone across the room in frustration I recalled the numbers of my birthday. Once I had access to my phone I asked myself, why was I in such a hurry to get into my phone, when I didn't even know what to say to the beautiful brown eyed boy of my dreams.

I slowly inched my fingers along the glass screen, my body taking power over my brain as I scrolled through my contacts until I came across Jude's. Opening the contact I saw the pads of my fingers do a little dance above the keyboard thinking about what I wanted to say. I became distracted as the end of the song that had gotten me this far, buzzed through my head. I had to do this and I had to do it now. Why was I so nervous? It was just a text wasn't it? Holding my breath, I let my fingertips glide across the keyboard.

 **Hey Jude, it's Connor**

I sat down on my floor trying to calm my nerves, the nerves that I didn't understand why I had. I shouldn't be this anxious about asking a friend if he just wanted to hangout sometime. I stared at a blank wall waiting for a response from Jude when I realized that the reason I had put so much stress on texting, or even talking to Jude was because I had never wanted to get to know somebody as much as I wanted to know Jude. I really, really liked Jude, more than I had thought. With this new realization, another thought came to me. Why would Jude text me back at midnight? I was sure he was in bed. I started to get up and get into bed when my phone let out a small buzz.

 **Oh hey Connor, surprised you're still up**

A small smile began to spread across my face at the thought of Jude sitting in his bed, the light of his phone illuminating his face. I quickly responded to the text.

 **I didn't even know it was this late**

 **Me neither, I was studying**

 **Yeah me too, so I was wondering if you wanted to like maybe hang out after the football game tomorrow**

I couldn't believe I had finally done it, after what felt like forever of stressing over a simple text, I had finally asked Jude to hang out.

 **What would we do?**

My stomach fluttered, what did this mean? He didn't seem very excited, but maybe I was just reading too much into it. Maybe it was just a simple question.

 **Idk, maybe we could go to the movies. Have you seen the Avengers yet?**

 **No actually, we could go do that after I guess. My mom can take us.**

 **Okay that sounds good. I better get to bed, but talk to you tomorrow**

 **Night**

Despite the fact that it was nearly twelve-thirty at night I wanted to go dance outside, singing about what great news this was. I could barely make myself wait for tomorrow night to come, the thought of sitting through all of my painful classes and the walk home without seeing Jude made me want to cry. I never really thought that something like this, or more like someone, could make me so happy.

Even though I could have gone the whole night without sleeping, due to my excitement, I decided that I should probably go to bed so that I was well rested for my "date" tomorrow, even if I was the only one to know it. Climbing into bed and pulling the thick blankets on top of me, I tried to calm myself so that I could get to sleep, but soon found that it was going to be harder than expected. I lay in bed imagining a million situations and fantasies of tomorrow night, none of which were likely to happen. I let my mind wander to thoughts of Jude and I standing so close that only inches distanced us apart, and while standing next to him peering into his eyes. This whole scene coming just before I leaned down to kiss his beautiful, soft lips. The last thoughts I had before falling into a deep, much needed, sleep were of Jude looking utterly perfect, next to me in the movie theater on our flawless, first date.

 **I'm thinking of updating weekly from now on, but if I do it will probably be Wednesdays or Thursdays. Thanks for reading and please follow and review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for all the reviews and follows. This chapter turned out to be a little bit longer than I intended but that's okay. Once again I do not own anything.**

 **Connor's POV**

The next day at school I sat in class grueling over math homework that seemed to be endless. I was pretty certain the teacher had noticed my constant glances up at the clock, and my not so-sneaky glances at my phone. I had to admit I wasn't only excited about my date with Jude, I was also excited about my second marching show of the season. This would be the first time we would be marching the full show at half time and I was pumped. During the first week of band camp over the summer I remember thinking that the scorching sun could not possibly be worth whatever the prize was, but now I saw that I was wrong. Concluding that I wasn't going to get any of my homework done in class I took out my flipbook with my pepband music and proceeded to read through all of the notes, checking to make sure none of them had to be written in.

I didn't realize until the bell rang that I had done an adequate job of distracting myself for the remainder of class. As soon as the bell rung I frantically threw my books into my backpack and made a beeline for the door. It was essential that I walked down the hall towards my locker exactly thirty seconds after the bell sounded. If I was late making my way to my locker then I wouldn't get to see Jude walking the other way towards his next class. It may have sounded crazy but it was the small moments of getting to see Jude in the hall that made school worth it.

I was almost to the spot where our paths crossed, and had begun to think that I had missed him, when I felt a thud at my shoulder and noticed that I had ran straight into the smaller, brown-eyed boy. In my rush to find the beautiful ninth grader, I had completely embarrassed myself by running straight into him.

"Oh, I'm so… so sorry Jude," I stuttered.

Looking down for a response I noticed that Jude looked ever so slightly annoyed at the situation. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

In between the words that Jude spoke so softly I tried as hard as I could to read his facial expression. It only took me a minute to realize that I hadn't the slightest idea what Jude was thinking about the encounter. Jude was a fairly shy person, maybe he was embarrassed about the few people who had turned their heads at the clumber. Leaning forward I picked up the couple of things that Jude had dropped. As I scanned the floor looking for anything I had missed I noticed Jude's neon green tennis shoes and couldn't help but think about how deep I was into this, I recognized my crush by his shoes.

I handed Jude's books back to him, our hands barley brushing as I did so. Just as our hands connected I felt something in my stomach squeal, I looked up at Jude and noticed the dark crimson color that soaked into his face.

"Thanks," he said nervously. "I guess I'll ummm see you tonight at the game."

It took me a minute to respond after Jude's statement. Realizing I should say something in return, I spoke in the smoothest tone I could muster, "Yeah cool, and then the movie after right?"

"Right," Jude dragged out.

It was with the last word that I realized, Jude wasn't embarrassed, of course not. Jude wasn't like that; he didn't care what anybody thought about him. Jude was so mad at me that his face had turned red with anger. I hated the fact that it felt like I was pushing him into a friendship, but I couldn't stop, I liked him way too much. Shaking myself from my thoughts, I realized that the one minute bell had rung and if I didn't want to be late I had better stop stressing over a boy that doesn't even like me.

. . .

I arrived at the school ten minutes before Mr. Hoover had instructed us to bet here just to make sure that I had plenty of time to get fitted into my uniform correctly. I made my way to the band room and peeked in the doors to see if anybody was here yet, only to find a few students lingering around eating various foods. I went to my locker and took a minute to remember my combination, something I still had trouble with even after five weeks since school started. Just as I took my instrument out and sat my case on the floor, I saw a pair of neon green shoes appear only a few feet from my hands. I felt something in my stomach flutter and considered saying something, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I hurriedly finished putting my instrument together and grabbed my flipbook before escaping to the band room avoiding eye contact with Jude.

It was nearly fifteen minutes later when I began lacing up my Dinkles and tried helplessly zipping up my uniform. I couldn't for the life of me remember what one of the band moms had told me to do to finish putting on my uniform. Slowly as I struggled, refusing to ask for help, more and more people drudged their way out to the practice field in the burning heat. Before long there were only around five people left in the band room and I knew I was already going to be yelled at, most likely by Brandon.

I was just about to give up and surrender to one of the band moms when Jude approached me with a bucket hat in hand. "Connor would you mind tightening this after I get it on? I can't seem to get it tight enough?" He asked obviously worried about being late.

My heart skipped a beat. Jude wanted me to tighten his hat? I stood frozen for a second before nodding deeply, and taking a step towards Jude. I lifted my hand once Jude had placed the red and black hat on his head. Careful not to pinch his skin I tightened the black, plastic strap until the brown haired boy said it was good. As I latched the buckle, my skin skimming across Jude's I felt a shiver run up my arm.

"Thanks," Jude said brightly.

"No problem," I said, almost forgetting to ask Jude for help with my uniform. "Hey Jude just real quick would you mind zipping this up? I can't get."

I noticed Jude bite on the corner of his lip for a minute before shaking his head slightly, and zipping the uniform up, along with buttoning it. "Thank you," I said kindly.

With both of us in full uniform we each lifted our instruments up and placed them around our necks before nearly running out the doors to the field.

The next thirty minutes were possibly the most exhausting thirty minutes of my life, for more reasons than one. The fact that we were in full jackets and pants, with other clothes underneath, along with hats and tall socks did not help the nearly eighty degree heat. That wasn't the only problem; I was finding it slightly impossible to focus on my marching between Jude and the heat. Due to my distractions I was constantly yelled at by the upperclassmen. I was about ready to give up when we were finally called in for some final announcements before parade marching our way over to the football field itself. We were placed into our parade lines and started the short march over to the field. On our way there I felt droplets of sweat drip off of my face and bead on top of my uniform. I was destined to die of heat stroke.

Somehow managing to make it to the field without passing out, I lingered in the shade of the concession stand waiting for our pregame show. I leaned casually against the side of the building, Jude adjacent to me. I knew that if we were ever going to be friends then I needed to talk to him, along with getting to know him better. I tossed ideas of what to say around in my head before finally settling on a simple _favorite_ question. "So Jude, what's your favorite band?" I asked shyly.

Jude seemed to ponder the question a minute before answering. "Well I have a lot of favorites but if I had to choose one it would probably be New Politics, if you even know who they are."

I had to admit that Jude was right, I hadn't the faintest idea who the band New Politics was, but I still considered pretending to love them before deciding that, that wasn't a good idea. Instead of lying I told Jude the truth. "Yeah, actually I don't think I know who that is? What genre are they?"

Jude tipped his head back and forth slightly and then spoke, "Well depends on what song of theirs you listen to, they could fit into a lot of genres, but you should definitely check them out. What kind of music do you like?"

At first I was caught off guard, I wasn't expecting Jude to return the question; this conversation was much easier than I thought it would be. "Well I really like Imagine Dragons and One Republic a lot."

"Oh I like both of them too!" Jude said enthusiastically.

Just as I was getting ready to ask what Jude's favorite song was by them, the drum majors began yelling for us to get ready to run onto the field. All at once the band took off towards the slightly muddy field and quickly the excitement of playing took me over. As we reached the field and went to our respective lines, I sloppily marked time, bouncing my feet up and down in place. After three short whistles from the drum majors we all lifted our horns to our mouths and the schools notorious fight song filled the stadium. As I played I began losing focus on my feet and paid more attention to the notes of the song. Only a few measures before we were to step off, I heard a snappy Jude behind me start yelling. "Left! Left! Left!"

All of a sudden the, what I thought was a great conversation from earlier vanished as Jude chastised me for being off step. How did I ever think that I would be good enough for Jude?

For the remainder of the pregame show I focused solely on making sure I was on step, and not on my playing. After playing through the school fight song for what seemed to be the hundredth time we were dismissed to make our way up into the marked off band section of the bleachers. I climbed the stairs of the bleachers scanning the band for my section, and finding only one other girl besides Jude, both of them sitting next to each other. Speaking to Jude again was going to be utterly humiliating after what happened a short ten minutes ago.

I placed myself on the other side of the only girl tenor, avoiding Jude as much as possible. As I did so, several of the drum majors began throwing out granola bars and other snacks in the large mob that was the band. The band quickly turned to a large frenzy of what seemed to be animals. I stole one quick look at Jude just in time to see him snatch a package of fruit snacks out of the air and bring them down to inspect what flavor they were.

"Awww man Jude, you got my favorite." I teased quietly before turning back to the flying foods.

I felt something slide past my arm and looked down to see Jude holding out the package of strawberry gummies. Quickly figuring out what Jude was doing, I shook my head. "No Jude I was only kidding, you don't have to."

"I know, but really I'm not that hungry."

I let a small smile escape my lips and lightly took the snack from Jude's soft hand.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

The first half of the game was filled with various 'pep' songs, none of which I knew that well, all of which Jude seemed to have mastered. I was starting to get slightly bored with the night until our band director began motioning us to head towards the south end of the track to line up for the show. The next twenty minutes were a confused blur of lines, marching, and playing songs that already seemed to be engraved into my memory. The only thing I really remember from the night's halftime show was that I not only played the show near perfect, but never got off step from the music.

I came off the field feeling extremely confident that I had impressed Jude, that is if he was even paying any attention to me. Once again we returned to the bleachers this time to sit for a quarter long break. I quickly found that most of the band student's dispersed to the concession stand or left to find their parents. With that it made me sad to think about my dad's angry comments about how stupid band was, he just didn't see the point and therefore refused to come to any of the shows. Jude on the other hand was soon greeted by several of his siblings and his mom in the section that was meant for the band.

After a few short words with Jude and a few compliments on the show, the family left leaving Jude and I sitting together on the bleachers. This time it was Jude who initiated the conversation. "So what classes are you taking? You would think we would have at least one class together."

"Well I don't really take any advanced classes." I said nervously.

"Oh I see." Jude said simply.

A few moments of silence passed before I desperately tried to keep the conversation going, "What lunch do you have?"

"First lunch, what about you?" The smaller boy asked curiously.

I sighed, "Third lunch. Ummm what's your favorite food?"

"Pancakes, yeah definitely pancakes, but with a lot of syrup."

"Oh I really like pancakes," I said slightly too enthusiastically. "But they are the best with blueberries."

At first I thought I saw a frown appear on Jude's face, but I then tried to tell myself that I was just seeing things. That was before Jude responded to my statement. "I'm actually allergic to blueberries."

With that I felt as if I could cry, this was going terrible. Jude absolutely hated me, everything that I did and said seemed to be wrong. I tried my best to suppress the tears that lingered at the corner of my eyes, there was no way I could go to the movies with Jude after the game. My head raced, trying to think of any excuse I could find to politely leave Jude and get out of the movies tonight. Finally coming up with a solution I pulled my phone out of the secret pocket in my uniform, and told Jude that my dad was calling.

I spent the next six minutes I had left in our quarter off trying to compose myself. When I had only a minute left I returned to the bleachers and told Jude my _bad news,_ avoiding meeting his eyes the whole time. "Hey Jude, when my dad called he said that I had to come straight home after the game, because we have to go visit my grandma in the hospital or something tomorrow morning. Sorry."

Jude's face seemed to drop a little bit with the news, but he responded shortly after. "Oh, ummm, that's okay. I hope your grandma is okay."

"Yeah thanks."

I continued the last quarter out by pretending to play every time we were asked to raise our instruments, my mind too sad and busy to do anything else. I liked Jude a lot, but I couldn't force him to like me back if he really just hated me.

 **Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**So this chapter is slightly depressing, but was important to later chapters. I promise the next chapter will be much more enjoyable. Thanks for all the reviews and follows. I do not own anything.**

 **Connor's POV**

It had been exactly five days since I had cancelled my "date" with Jude. I had to admit that cancelling was a mistake. I couldn't believe that I would let myself blow something I had only dreamt about for weeks. Looking back on the situation I realized that I had read far too deeply into Jude's soft spoken words. I should have known that if Jude didn't like me then he wouldn't have agreed to hang out, he just wasn't like that. It could have been that Jude was nervous, similar to myself, and he just didn't know what to say. Jude really didn't have that many friends, and as far as I could tell none of them are really that close to him, so maybe he just isn't used to talking to new people.

For the past five days explanations for Jude's, and even my own behavior and feelings occupied my head. I had spent my Saturday and Sunday after the game desperately trying to find projects to distract myself from the nightmare that had taken place. It wasn't until Monday that I actually stopped to reflect on the much too anticipated night. As I internally debated where the situation started to go sour I detached myself from the world all together. I had convinced my father that I wasn't feeling that well, and a mental health day would be of great benefit. I was about half way through my day off, when I realized that never before had my dad been so easy to convince to let me skip. Had he noticed that I was acting different these past few weeks?

That hadn't been the first time I had imagined what my dad's reaction would be if I came out to him. I liked to think that my dad was only slightly homophobic, but somewhere inside of me, some place that I often ignored, knew that he would never see me the same way again if I told him I was gay. I could see my dad going as far as kicking me out of the house and never wanting to speak to me again if I ever did choose to come out.

As it turned out I had found the perfect distraction from my continuous thoughts of Jude, and that was my worries about my father finding out that I wasn't the perfect straight son he had hoped for. The last two days have been both a blur and the slowest days of my life at the same time. It seemed to me that senseless things like school, band, homework, and my shriveling social life didn't matter at the slightest. However imagining myself spending the rest of my life hiding from my father seemed to make time creep ever so slowly.

For once, in what felt like days, I was awoken from my imagination when I heard a loud clamber come from the kitchen. I immediately jumped up from lying in my bed hurriedly trying to think of what could be downstairs. It was only four thirty, and my dad certainly wasn't home yet, he was normally not home earlier than six. Paranoid that a house robbery was taking place right under my nose I grabbed my phone and a baseball bat that was sitting in the corner of my room and tiptoed down the hallway. I reached the stairs and listened as best I could for any kind of sound. Not hearing anything, I leaned slightly over the balcony above the entryway looking for any sign of an intruder.

Once I had concluded that I wasn't going to know anything until I went downstairs I padded down the steps avoiding every creaky spot with precision. I was about half way down when I took note of my heart beating at a much too rapid pace. I took in a deep breath as my foot made contact with the tile floor of the entryway. Before I knew what I was doing I let out a loud yell. "Hello?"

I heard a slight shuffle come from the kitchen again and something that sounded like a bowl hit the ground and shatter. All at once I ran into the kitchen and to my surprise found a brown and black dog sitting next to the kitchen table, with a smashed bowl and wagging tail. I felt my chest heave with the relief and began to smile and chuckle at my paranoia.

"Hey doggy, what are you doing in here?"

The dog answered with a pant and a quick shake of his rear end. Bending down I searched for the dog's tag until I found it in the mess of fur. I was slightly disappointed and slightly glad to see that the dog's tag was nothing other than a vaccination tag, and contained no name, phone number, or address. For just a split second I wondered if Dad would let me keep the pet since I had never had one before.

Excited about the possibility of having a new friend I picked up my phone from where I had sat it down and dialed my dad's phone number. It took three rings for him to pick up, instantly sounding annoyed that I was bothering him at work.

"Is it an emergency Connor?" he grumbled.

"Well, no. I don't know it might…"

Cutting me off Dad asked again, "Can this wait till I get home?"

"Dad there was a dog in the house, and he's really sweet and can he stay with us? He doesn't have any tags," I said while I removed the dog's collar and leash. "And I don't know, I just want a pet."

"He's sweet?" Did you just say that the dog is sweet and that's why you want to keep him?" He asked furiously.

My mind raced with a way to escape my mistake, but all I could remember was my nightmarish thoughts over the past few days. Finally after full minutes of silence I decided that I couldn't be afraid of him forever. "Yes, I did. Why is there a problem of wanting a sweet dog?" I challenged.

"You are a guy Connor, you should want a tough dog, like a mean one. I swear, sometimes Connor you can be such a girl, and I really don't like it."

I felt my back press against a cabinet as I slumped down, trying to absorb what my father, the one who was supposed to love my unconditionally, just said. I couldn't help but ask myself if he was right, but then again what really gave him the right to say that.

"What about me, makes you think I'm a girl?" I barely whispered into the phone.

"Maybe not a girl, but you don't act manly enough. Sometimes you act like you could be gay, and Connor believe me when I tell you this. No son of mine is gay. Do you understand?"

With every word that my father spoke I felt something inside of me fall, and I had a feeling that there wasn't a single person who could pick up the pieces.

Before he had time to hurt me anymore I hung up the phone and stayed perfectly still, starring at the wall. At some point I think my mind turned itself off and I began to feel nothing. I couldn't tell you what went through my head or what I felt after I ended that call with my father, but I know it wasn't anything good. It wasn't until I heard the ring of the large grandfather clock that sat in our living room that I returned to reality. I turned my head slightly to the left to find that the floppy eared dog was still sitting next to me.

"If Dad comes home and finds you then he is gonna take you to the pound." I spoke to the dog, all emotion lacking from my voice.

Not even sure of my actions I found myself opening Jude's contact and sending a message to the boy that seemed to be the root of all these issues.

 **Really sorry to bother you Jude but can you do me a favor?**

It was only a few short seconds later that Jude responded.

 **Yeah what is it?**

 **Well I found this dog in my house and he doesn't have any tags**

 **Yeah…**

 **My dad won't let me keep him and if he finds him here then he is going to throw him out on the streets. Can you just like take him to a shelter or something for me?**

 **I guess I can ask my moms. How long until your dad gets home?**

I glanced up at the clock and scrambled up in a hurry.

 **Anytime now. Please Jude can I just bring him to your house? I will never ask you for anything again.**

 **Yeah just bring him over**

Just as I lunged for my new fury friend I heard a car pull into the driveway. I slipped on a pair of flip flops and ran out the back door just as I heard the click to the lock of the front door. Despite the fact that I was sure my dad wouldn't come running after me, or had even noticed that I had slipped away I ran in my sandals, going as fast as I could. I had been running for about ten minutes when I felt the first of many tears to come slip down my cheek.

I ran and cried nearly the whole way to Jude's house only stopping a few streets before I got there to try to make myself look as if I hadn't just had a nervous breakdown. I turned the corner to Jude's street to find the skinny, brown haired boy standing on the side of the yard. As soon as Jude's eyes found my face, I saw horror and fear appear across his eyes.

"Connor! What happened to you? Please tell me you are okay?" Jude's words and body met me at the same time as I was wrapped in a hug by the smaller boy, the dog in between us. Pulling back, rather quickly Jude searched my eyes looking for an answer, but I was sure that he wouldn't find one. Even though my sobbing had made me feel slightly better I still felt a large hole of nothing inside of me from my dad's words.

"My dad, he was just uhh," I stuttered, not knowing what the right answer was. "He just wasn't very nice when I asked if I could keep the dog"

"Oh."

A few seconds of silence lingered in between us before Jude spoke again. "My moms said that we can keep the dog for tonight and then they will take him to a shelter tomorrow."

"Okay, thank you so much Jude."

"It's no problem. Ummm Connor, do you uhh do you need to spend the night here tonight too? Does your dad need some time to cool down?"

As much as I wanted to say yes to Jude and avoid having to apologize to my father for who I am, I knew that not going home would cause more trouble than facing my dad tonight.

"Thank you Jude, but I can't, I think I would get into too much trouble." I said with a small smile

"Alright well if you need to for some reason, you can."

"Thanks." With that I left Jude standing on his front lawn and much more slowly made my way back to, what was beginning to feel more like a prison than a home. On my way back home I made sure to take the long way to avoid the interaction with my father for as long as possible. During my walk I felt the emptiness scream back up inside me, but remembered that Jude had made me smile. For just a few minutes of talking to him, I had felt that emptiness shallow, and that meant that maybe there was hope for the two of us.

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	5. Chapter 5

**So this chapter is way different than my last chapter, and doesn't really address everything from the last chapter but I will get there. I'm really sorry if this doesn't make any sense, because I wrote it at 3 in the morning so we will see. I don't own anything.**

The only thing that got me through the next two days was the thought of getting to march in yet another halftime show the upcoming Friday. As I struggled to deal with everything that swirled around in my mind I found myself simply going through the actions of my typical life. When Friday night did finally arrive I felt a little twinge of excitement while putting my gold instrument together. It didn't feel like long until the band was lined up next to the concession stand awaiting our cue to run onto the field. While waiting I found myself talking to a few upperclassmen in the baritone section and for once in what felt like weeks, I forgot about Jude, and my father, and everything else.

"So wait, are you saying that on last year's band trip you literally had half the band chanting the Bill Nye theme song in the middle of Disneyland?" I asked curiously.

"Oh it wasn't just half the band, we had to the whole band." One of the brass players replied.

"That sounds like so much fun! I can't wait to go on the band trip next year."

"I know, it's going to be so cool. I just wish we could go on a trip every year instead of every other. Hey do you wanna hear another story?" Asked the junior, Sam.

"Dude of course!" I said excitedly.

Just as Sam was about to leap into another story with the help of his friends, we were whistled into place and took off for the slightly muddy field. I reached my spot and began marking time, I awaited the end of the cadence that was led by are semi-world famous drumline. Once the cadence ended the band was called to attention, then told to put our horns up by the three short whistles of our drum majors. Once I heard yet another whistle I began playing our school fight song and counted off the measures in my head. After six measures of waiting I stepped off and roll stepped in line for another 64 measures until it was time to turn and march 32 more beats. Before I knew it I was in my final position and ended the song with a snappy horns down.

Finishing our pregame performance we made our way up into bleachers. In almost a complete reenactment of the week before I desperately searched the large mass of students for somebody who I could sit with in my section other than Jude, who I really didn't want to think about right now. I was close to reaching the point of finding a new section, one whose instrument vaguely resembled mine, like those of the alto, or baritone saxophones when I was startled to hear my name called.

"Connor! Come sit down here."

I looked down and found that no other than my crush had called my name. As much as I was tired of being worried that Jude hated me and was just trying to be nice, I went down to join him on the second row of band students.

"Are you sure it's okay if I stand with you?" I asked nervously. I didn't really understand how I was still nervous around Jude when I had half way convinced myself that I didn't like him anymore.

"Yeah, of course it's fine. I just thought you might like to know that my moms took the dog to the shelter Thursday and then the owner of the dog found him there this afternoon."

"That's really great, I'm glad the owner found him."

"Yeah it is. So I wanted to ask, are you okay Connor?"

I could feel myself flinch slightly at Jude's question. I should have never let Jude see me when I was down, now he was just going to feel sorry for me, and that really wasn't what I wanted. Hesitating I tried to keep my response to a minimum. "Yeah I guess I'm okay. I just have a lot of stuff going on at home right now, but don't worry about it. Let's talk about something else."

"Okay, well you have Mr. Hoover for biology right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Cause I wanted to know if anybody else noticed that he spelled photosynthesis wrong on the board last week." Jude rushed out.

I laughed, "Yeah I actually did, but didn't dare think of telling him, that would ruin the fun. I mean really, he is an awful teacher."

I watched Jude very closely and noticed a slight pull at the side of his lips, and there it was, I had said something wrong yet again. "What is it?"

"It's just I don't really like it when people talk bad about other people, what good does it really do?"

I let Jude's words sink in, tossing them around in my head. Maybe he was right. "I guess I never really thought about it that way, but I get what you're saying. I'm sorry, I guess I should think about what I'm saying more."

With this I could see a small smile replace the faint frown that was worn by the smaller boy. "It's okay, everybody does it. I think a lot of people do it without really thinking at all. Although I do have to admit Mr. Hoover isn't exactly the best teacher I have ever had, photosynthesis isn't the only word I have caught him spelling wrong." At this both me and Jude giggled and smiled at each other.

For once things with Jude actually seemed to be going good and I found again that I was swept off my feet at just how kind and caring the brown haired boy was. There were only a few people in the world who thought about every word they said before voicing them aloud, and that was what truly made Jude special to me. As these feelings came back, along with them came the thoughts of what my father would do if he ever found out. I knew my father's homophobic mindset would get in the way eventually, but at that time all I really wanted to do was enjoy this perfect night of getting to talk to Jude, and marching in the band's beloved show that I had invested so much time in to.

Jude and I continued talking about various teachers along with our favorite, and least favorite classes of the school year until the next thing we knew we were being rushed out of the bleachers to prepare for our half time show. As we shuffled out onto the track I whispered to Jude. "Oh by the way, thanks for all the times I get off step and you help me get back on step. I literally spend half the show watching your feet."

I looked out of the corner of my eye to see Jude's eyes squint up with a wide smile on his face. "Don't mention it. You'll do fine Connor, trust me." I felt slight butterflies swirl up in my stomach at Jude's encouraging words.

When the drum majors called us to attention, I stood with my head down, finding it nearly impossible to wipe the smile off of my face.

. . .

I marched off of the football field feeling more confident with my marching than I had felt all year. I was slightly surprised to quickly find an eager Jude at my side asking if I wanted to go the concession stand with him to buy some popcorn. Agreeing to go with Jude we first made our way to the silver bleachers, placing our instruments on the metal of the seats and turning the necks of our instruments up to avoid any chipped reeds. Making our way over to the small concession stand on the opposite end of the field I attempted to make conversation by asking Jude what he was going to get from the snack area. "So just popcorn?"

"Well I think I might be in the mood for some Skittles too. What are you getting?"

I sighed at Jude's question, trying desperately to think of the best lie to cover that I didn't have any money with me. "I'm actually not that hungry, so I don't think I'm going to get anything."

"Really? Connor you are always hungry."

I stared down at my feet, I didn't dare tell Jude the real reason I wasn't buying anything, I was afraid that I would once again be caught in what felt like a sympathy conversation. Several moments of awkward silence passed, and we had nearly reached the small shack that acted as the concession stand when Jude asked me, "Connor would you like me to buy you something? It's really no big deal."

How was I stupid enough to ever think that Jude wouldn't see right through me? Of course he knew the real reason I wasn't going to get something. "That's okay, I swear I'm really not that hungry. I ate before I came."

"Okay well if you change your mind let me know," Jude smiled kindly.

We stood in line behind the other rowdy band students, my eyes scanning the menu despite the fact that I had no intention of asking Jude to buy me something. Just as we reached the small window with one of the school boosters moms standing behind the counter, I came across the stand of lollipops that were sitting out in front of the other assorted candies. I tried my best to hide my excitement at the site of the suckers, but failed.

"Hi what can I get for you?" asked a blonde haired woman in her early forties.

"Can I have a popcorn and some skittles please?" Jude asked before stealing a quick glance at my face and then looking back up at the woman again. "And one sucker too please."

"Of course, go ahead and pick out your flavor of sucker and I'll get your other stuff."

After the woman disappeared to retrieve the popcorn and Skittles Jude turned to me and nodded in the direction of the small sucker tree.

"I couldn't be the only one blowing sugar into my instrument, and ruining it now could I?"

I smiled and laughed at Jude's joke while I searched the tree for the perfect flavor. I couldn't help but that think Jude always seemed to know what to say to make someone feel better, a quality that I only wished I had.

The woman soon returned with Jude's food and we began making our way back to our instruments only after Jude had paid the kind lady. I tore the wrapping off of my sucker and popped it into my mouth, sucking off as much of the flavoring as possible. We had made it about half way back to the bleachers when I remembered that I owed Jude a thank you.

"Thank you Jude, you didn't have to get me anything."

"I know, but I didn't want you to be the only one who couldn't get anything."

As soon as the words left Jude's mouth it felt like something had hit me in the stomach, I was wrong, Jude didn't always know the right thing to say. The whole night I had been on the verge of deciding if Jude simply felt sorry for me, or if he really wanted to be my friend, but now I knew. Maybe there was a small part of Jude that did want to get to know me, but the main reason he was being nice was because he felt sorry with me. At first the rush of all these feelings and realizations wanted to make me do what I did last week, to ignore Jude for the rest of the night and spend the days after playing the situation over and over in my head, but I couldn't do that again. If I did repeat history I wasn't sure if I would make it to another week.

My mind raced, how was I ever going to accept that Jude didn't like me and move on? The silver ramp that lead up to the seats was only ten feet away when it hit me. The best way I was ever really going to be able to move on was for me to ask Jude why. Running a few feet ahead to catch up to Jude, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back under the bleachers.

"Jude I need to ask you something." I almost yelled.

A look of slight concern spread across Jude's face before he asked, "What is it?"

"Why do you hate me? Why do you feel sorry for me?"

I could feel my body begin to almost shake as I stared Jude right in the eye.

"Connor I don't hate you." Jude said, turning his eyes to the other direction.

"Well you definitely don't like me, you just feel sorry for me, and I don't know why!"

At this point I could feel tears begin to emerge from the corners of my eyes, and Jude looked as if the same was happening to him.

"Connor trust me when I say that I don't hate you! I mean seriously you idiot I have a crush on you!" Jude said in a rush, before more calmly saying, "And I'm sorry if you ever thought that I hated you, that's not what I meant to do."

Looking up to once again meet Jude's deep brown eyes I could see the pleading that they held. All along I had read Jude in every wrong way possible. In front of me stood a boy who was so kind and considerate, and never talked bad about anybody else. Who put his heart into everything that he did, including marching band. A boy with chocolate brown hair that stuck up in odd ways from his previously worn bucket hat, whose smile was so perfect and bright that it could light up a whole room, and while looking at Jude I realized that none of what I thought before really mattered. At that moment I didn't care about what my dad would say, or my friends, or even what I would think later on, I just did what felt right and leaned in to kiss the pleading boy that stood in front of me.

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	6. Chapter 6

**First of all sorry this update is so late, I hated practically everything I wrote so it took longer than expected. Second sorry it's so short and probably makes no sense, like I said I was having a hard time writing this chapter. Despite that, hope you enjoy and please leave a review. I don't own anything.**

Jude was the first to pull away from the soft, sweet kiss. I took a second before opening my eyes, trying to make the flawless moment Jude and I had shared last as long as possible. Afraid to meet Jude's mesmerizing eyes I kept my gaze locked to the ground.

"Connor?"

I looked up to see Jude trying to suppress the charming smile that leaked over from the previous kiss. I responded to Jude's grin with a smile of my own. "That was really nice." I almost whispered.

"Yeah, it was. So what does this mean though?"

I let Jude's words bounce around in my head. Did this mean Jude was my boyfriend? Just the thought of putting that label on Jude made my heart skip a beat. I imagined Jude and I hanging out at the beach, or sitting in the movies with our hands clasped together. I let myself think of late night conversations over skype, along with cute quirky texts during class. I felt my lips stretch until my face started to feel strained and then stuttered slightly before answering the smaller boy. "Well Jude, would you uhhh… like to…. I don't know… maybe be my… boyfriend?"

The fear that I held inside was released when Jude took a step forward, deleting the little space there was between us and pulled me into a hug. "Yeah I would love that." Jude's face set on my shoulder and I could practically feel the happiness radiating off of him. I began to pull away from the embrace, only to give Jude another slight peck on the cheek.

"Can I tell you something?" I said, pulling on the sleeve of my uniform.

"Yeah of course." Jude said very enthusiastically. I had to say that this was a side of Jude that had never shown through before. It was as if before the meaningful kiss that we had shared Jude had tried harder than he ever needed to. But now that I was seeing the real Jude I couldn't help but fall even harder. Giggling at Jude's enthusiasm I continued on with what I was saying before. "Well, would you consider me a complete dork if I said that, that was my first kiss?"

I watched as Jude's eyebrows rose and a surprised expression coated his face. "Wait, are you serious? No way!"

Feeling self-conscious at Jude's reaction I once again hid my face, something I did way too much around Jude. "Yeah I know I'm a loser." I said I felt the heat rise up in my cheeks.

Jude's eyebrows went in the opposite direction this time, furrowing down in confusion. "You aren't a loser Connor, you're the opposite. " He reassured me. "It's just that I had assumed you were the kind of guy who had kissed lots of girls, and had a lot of girlfriends. Honestly I never even thought that you would be gay."

"I never really thought I was, I mean I guess I just never really found boys or girls attractive, that was until I met you."

Pulling a trick from my book, Jude looked down, obviously trying to avoid that crimson color that could be found on his cheeks. A few moments of awkward silence passed between the two of us before Jude finally looked up again, this time taking in more than my eyes. "Just to let you know, that was umm, my first kiss too."

Not really knowing how to respond I just smiled at Jude and let my mind wander once again to all the possible scenarios I had imagined before, some of which were no longer a fantasy. Letting my train of thought drift to happy places only lasted until reality came crashing down on me. My dad. If he ever found out, he would keep me and Jude away from each other, and do who knows what else to me. He had made it very clear that I was not under any circumstances gay.

Jude must have noticed the change in my expression, because his smile evaporated and was replaced by a frown. "Connor, is something wrong?"

What was I supposed to do? I knew that I could probably hide the problem from Jude, for now at least, but I really didn't want to go through what I had the past couple weeks again, alone. The last two weeks of constant worry, and longing for something I could never have, that being acceptance from my father, had taken a great toll on me.

"Jude, are you…. are you out to your family?"

Understanding spread across Jude's face and he seemed to be tossing the correct response around in his head. "Well no, not officially, but I think they probably have a pretty good idea. Why?"

A lump formed in the back of my throat, even though both me and Jude had accepted the term boyfriends, I still felt shy and nervous around the oh so perfect boy. I had hidden my problems from everyone, what I considered to be pretty well, and opening up was proving to be harder than I originally thought. "Jude, I can't come out."

I carefully watched Jude's face, peering into his eyes for any kind of sign that he might be disappointed, or unsatisfied. I had said the words in a rush, and almost immediately Jude's whole body seemed to sink slightly. I hated to disappoint him, but just the thought of facing my homophobic father made me want to get sick. "I'm sorry."

"Is it your dad?"

Surprised I shot my head up to, once again meet Jude's hypnotizing eyes. The corner of Jude's mouth pulled up and I felt a wave of relief rush over me, he understood.

"Yeah." I simply said. "And before you say anything else, I understand if you don't want to hide our relationship, but I just can't do it right now."

"Of course I would like it if I could call you my boyfriend, but that's okay. We can keep it a secret for now and maybe when you are ready we can come out together."

My heart jumped in joy, at just how understanding and accepting Jude was. I couldn't have asked for more of a flawless first boyfriend. "Thank you Jude." Just as the words left my lips, sounds of the band rang through the stadium. Both Jude and I turned to each other in horror. In the mix of events we had both forgotten what we were even doing at the large football stadium on this Friday night.

"Ummm, we might want to get back before anybody notices we were gone." I said while trying to suppress a laugh. Jude nodded and broke out into a fit of giggles while we made our way back up the ramp of the bleachers.

Finding ourselves back at the band section we scooted our way around other band students trying our best to blend in. Our absence wouldn't have been that concerning if wasn't for the fact that Jude had two siblings in the band, Brandon the drum major being one of them. Squeezing past a couple flutes that seemed less than happy that we weren't using the stairs of the bleachers, we finally returned to our instruments. I picked up the gold saxophone and found that my reed had obviously been stepped on despite my precautions. The wooden piece was splintered in several different places and had two separate chips on the outside edges.

"Looks like I won't be playing for the rest of the night." I said looking over to Jude's mouthpiece to see if it had any damages similar to mine.

"Oh that sucks, well at least you get out of playing the fight song."

Astonished at Jude's statement I gasped out loud. "Wait you're telling me that the perfect marcher and player doesn't absolutely love playing the fight song thousands of times a night?" My voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jude looked at me in awe before throwing his head back and cracking up in laughter. "Connor you are hilarious when you aren't trying so hard."

"Thank you. I think."

Just as I was about to make another smart comment I heard the three whistles that signaled horns up and noticed that the game was over. I guess Jude and I had missed the majority of the quarter talking under the bleachers.

Almost before the last notes of the song rang out the entirety of the band had begun the stampede for the school. Deciding there wasn't any hurry to get home, since I would probably just text Jude I hung back and helped Jude and Brandon carry the large tote of snacks back to the school. We were about half way on our trek back, passing the soccer field when Brandon asked, "Jude, why were you late getting back fourth quarter? That isn't like you."

Jude simply shot me a quick glance and let a smirk take over his face before replying, "I guess I just got sidetracked."

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	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all of the positive feedback, it's really appreciated. The beginning of this chapter is a little slow, but the end gets better. I don't own anything.**

A whole week had passed since the Friday night when Jude and I kissed. Throughout the week I found myself texting Jude nearly every spare minute there was. At first our conversations were slightly awkward but it only took about two days until we were completely comfortable around each other. The only problem with my never ending contact with Jude was the fear of my Dad asking questions about why I was suddenly texting so much. My worries seemed to be proved senseless because, for once my dad's lack of involvement in my life paid off.

Jude and I were getting along better than I would have ever expected. I was interested but also saddened to learn that Jude had been in the foster system for most of his childhood. While in the system Jude had experienced many abusive homes, and others that treated him poorly for who he was. Just the thought of anybody abusing Jude in anyway at all made me want to hug the smaller boy and never let him go.

While Jude's earlier years did seem to be rough, he was now the son of two amazing moms, one of which was the principle at Anchor Beach, there were also four other siblings in the family, two of which were in band. Jude had spent hours telling about each of his siblings to make up in my lack of brothers and sisters. Jude told me of the oldest Brandon, the one I knew the most about. Not only was Brandon drum major of our high school band, he also played the trombone, along with the piano. The next family member I heard about was Callie who was Jude's only biological sibling, Jude explained to me that Callie was all he had for a long time and that he could count on her for anything. The last two siblings were Jesus and Mariana. Mariana was also in the band, being best known as the flute section leader. Of course I had heard of the sassy, but brilliant flute player and knew that Jude had two siblings in the band, yet I never knew it was Mariana. The last brother was simply summed up by Jude as his slightly grumpy roommate, who doubled as an older brother.

When we weren't talking about Jude's family we talked about our interests and quickly found that even though we are quite different we still seemed to connect really well. Also on the topic of conversation were things that we could do Saturday without getting too many questions from my father. After much late night discussion Friday night we decided that go karts and the arcade would be super fun for both of us.

. . .

It was Saturday night, and I patiently awaited the arrival of Jude's mom to come pick me up and take us on our secret date. I checked my phone, as I sat on my couch, starring out the window. I had told my dad that Jude was just a new friend, leaving the band part out of it knowing how he felt about marching band geeks. Around 7:05 I saw a SUV pull up in the driveway and shouted to my dad. "Jude's here Dad! See you later!"

"Bye!" I could hear him yell from his bedroom upstairs.

I practically ran to the car waiting outside, anxious but excited to get to spend some time with Jude outside of band. I opened one of the back doors and slid in across from my boyfriend. Once I was seated I looked over to Jude and found a wide smile spread across his face.

"Hi Connor, I'm Stef, Jude's mom, it's nice to finally meet you."

I looked away from the beautiful boy and saw a blonde woman sitting in the driver's seat. I smiled, "It's nice to meet you too Mrs. Adams Foster. "

In the rearview mirror I could see the corners of her mouth pull up, something I was happy to see, so far Jude's family liked me.

After about a twenty minute drive we arrived at the arcade and go kart track. Getting out of the car Jude's mom gave him some money and told us she would see us at ten. Once the SUV pulled away Jude turned to me and reached out to grab my hand, I gladly accepted and reached for his hand in return.

"I'm so excited!" Jude beamed.

"So am I!" I chanted. "So what should we do first?"

Jude seemed to truly ponder the question before finally seeming to decide on the correct response. "Let's do go karts first."

"Sounds good to me."

Jude and I headed into the arcade to get our point cards, each getting enough points to ride the karts twice. One thing Jude didn't know about me was that I was very competitive when it came to racing. Although I had only raced go karts a few times with friends and cousins I had been told on multiple occasions that I was really good at it.

"You ready for this?" I asked Jude as we walked to the course.

Glancing over at Jude I saw a small smirk appear on his lips. At first I was very surprised by Jude's facial expression but the more I thought about it the more I realized that Jude did have a bit of a competitive nature. Even though we had only been to one marching competition so far this season I distinctly remember Jude psyching himself up by whispering to himself and then yelling at every single person who let a word pass through their lips.

"Am I ready for this? I think the question is, are you ready for this?"

"Jude you are so freaking adorable I just can't handle it sometimes."

I knew the moment the words left my lips that Jude's cheeks would display a deep shade of red, similar to the color of the go karts that raced around the track. We reached the line to the course and were happy to see that only about five people were before us. While we waited I kept my eyes trained on Jude and his eyes were on me.

"Next!" An older high school boy said before taking our tickets and directing us to the first row of karts. Sitting in the bucket seat I messed with the straps until one of the employees came by to properly strap the buckles for me and then moving on to Jude who sat behind me. Only a few short minutes later a whistle blew and our row was released.

As soon as the karts around me spread out I pressed my foot to the gas trying to get as much of a lead in front of Jude as possible. Just as I began to take the first turn of the track I felt another car bump into the back of me. Quickly turning my head I found that none other than my boyfriend was pushing me up the small hill that was in front of us. I reached the top of the hill to find a smaller hill going down with a turn to the left, opposite of the previous turn. Before I really knew what was going on Jude raced ahead and took the inside of the track. Jude had passed me before we had even completed a whole lap, and I had to admit I was impressed.

The remainder of the race I spent trying with every trick I knew to pass the much better boy but found that it was all useless. We raced a total of six laps until we saw the red flashing lights indicating that we should head back to where we started. At first I was disappointed that I didn't have any more time to desperately try to pass my boyfriend, but I had to admit that the short cars had made my right leg cramp up from pressing the gas pedal down.

"That was fun." Jude said plainly while exiting the course.

"For you it was." I joked. "Guess I'll just have to call a rematch."

"Yes you will, but the winner says that first we need to get some ice cream."

My eyes perked up at the thought of cookie dough ice cream and viciously nodded to Jude's statement. Feeling comfortable with the few people that stood around us, I clasped my slightly sweaty hand around Jude's, receiving a small squeeze in response. Walking together we reached the menu board to the frozen custard place that was in the same parking lot as the go kart track and arcade.

"What do you think that you are going to get?" Jude asked while looking up at me.

"Cookie dough." I answered instantly.

"Do you want to like split a cookie dough? It's cheaper for a medium than two smalls, I don't know I was just thinking." A slightly nervous Jude asked cautiously.

"That sounds great."

I turned to the custard employee, "Can we have a medium cookie dough please?"

"That's $4.79."

I began digging in my pocket for my wallet when Jude placed the money on the counter in front of us. "I could have gotten it."

"I know, but I wanted to." I sent a small smile in Jude's direction before turning around to find our ice cream already prepared.

"Thanks." I offered Jude as we walked away in search of a bench to sit on and share our ice cream.

Sitting with our shoulders touching we both took turns with the one spoon, and I even found myself feeding a few spoonful's to Jude and him feeding some to me. Tonight had to be one of the best nights of my life. Just being in the presence of the beautiful brown eyed boy sent me to a happy place that I was never quite able to describe. I realized that neither of us had said anything for a while when Jude spoke up. "You ready for that rematch now?"

"Oh bring it on." I said gleefully.

Continuing over to the go kart line we were found waiting longer than the previous race. It only took a few minutes of impatience before I began tapping at Jude's gray Nikes with my own foot. By the time we were finally ready to have our cards swiped we had a full game of footsie on our hands.

I wasn't at all surprised in the beginning of the race when Jude pulled ahead of me yet again, very similar to the first race, although the end of the race was slightly different. In what I expected to be our last lap I stayed right on Jude's tail around every turn. On the last turn I began to slow down a bit, hoping that Jude would turn around, which to my pleasure he did. Once Jude turned around to see what I was doing I gassed my kart and was able to squeeze my own kart in between Jude and the side of the track. Accomplishing my main goal of the night I came off the track pumping my fist and hooting.

"Ahhh that was such a great comeback!"

"Yeah that was pretty good babe." Jude admitted.

At the sound of the nickname I scrunched up and blushed. Even over text Jude had never given me a cute nickname like the one he had just chosen. At first I felt slightly embarrassed but decided after a minute that I liked it. Jude of course noticing my rosy cheeks perked up, "Sorry I don't know why I said that, it just kind of slipped out."

"It's fine, I kinda like it actually."

"That's good, cause I kinda do too."

The rest of the night was spent in the arcade, Jude and I both playing various games, some more rewarding in tickets than others. Once we had spent all our money, given to us by our parents we went to the ticket counter and received a small teddy bear along with two Tootsie Rolls. Jude of course tried to give me all of the prizes but I insisted that he keep the teddy bear and one of the Tootsie Rolls.

"Thanks Connor, tonight has been great."

"Yeah it really has." I said with a happy smile plastered onto my face.

 **Thanks for reading guys! I'm sorry if this chapter seemed a little rushed, I wanted to write some of the cute moments out a little more but it's 4 o'clock in the morning. Anyway please favorite, follow, and review, and if you want to follow me on tumblr it's converseandnetflix. **


	8. Chapter 8

**First of all I'm really sorry for not uploading last week, I wish I had a good excuse but I really don't. I don't own anything.**

I crept down the stairs to the kitchen in search of some caffeine. I had to admit that it wasn't like me to stay up until 3 o'clock in the morning, but if Jude was still willing to text me then I surely wasn't going to bed. I was amazed how comfortable I was talking to Jude for hours on end. No matter what I said to Jude it never seemed to be the wrong thing, conversation with Jude was easy. Sometimes short one word responses were all that our text messages consisted of, but that was enough for both of us. Then of course there were other times were Jude or myself would ramble with what probably looked like full blown essays, either way Jude and I had been staying up to the early morning hours for the last two weekends since our date.

As I opened the fridge, scanning for a soda or some apple juice I heard a slight buzz from my phone.

 **Jude: Hey are you still there?**

After reading the message a small frown appeared on my face until I realized that I hadn't hit send on my last message.

 **Connor: Yeah sorry guess I just forgot to hit send**

 **Jude: Oh that's okay I was just afraid you finally got tired of me**

A rush of something spread over me, did Jude really think I could ever get tired of him? Jude's last text started to make me slightly nervous, I don't think Jude really knows how much he means to me. Of course I had had good friends before Jude, but none of them were quite like Jude, I was willing to risk nearly anything for him. If Jude were to ask me to run away with him, half-way across the country I would do it in a heartbeat. This was just one thing that came to mind when I thought of the lengths I would go to for Jude, and I had to admit it scared me just a little bit. Maybe it was the 3 A.M. emotions talking, but the feelings I was having for Jude were something I had never even dreamt of feeling and I was slightly concerned that the emotion that spread through every fiber of my being might begin with a 'L'.

 **Connor: I don't think I could ever get tired of you**

 **Jude: Really? Even I get tired of myself**

I chuckled at Jude's last text, although I had to disagree about anybody ever getting tired of Jude I knew exactly what my boyfriend meant about getting tired of yourself, sometimes I just seemed to bore myself.

Retrieving a Dr. Pepper from the fridge I made my way back to my bedroom skipping a few of the creaky stairs on my way. Returning to my room I lay back in bed and pulled a giant, fluffy blanket over my legs.

 **Connor: I know what u mean**

 **Jude: Yeah…**

Unless something exciting was getting ready to happen in Jude's Netflix show he was watching I could tell that we were getting ready to enter a time of bland conversation where the most commonly used word would be "yeah".

 **Connor: Yup**

 **Jude: Shoe…**

I smiled at Jude's response. While texting each other so much we had developed a little bit of our own language, most of which translated to "yeah" just so we could spice up the conversation at least slightly. Both Jude and I had our own words that we used that the other never did, Jude's consisted of shoe, rainbow, and pancakes. My words consisted of baseball, plaid, and feather.

 **Connor: Feather…**

On my laptop I returned to the story I had been writing, a story about astronauts who had to find a way themselves to return to Earth without the help of engineers on Earth due to a failure in the communication system. In the story there were three astronauts and of course Jude and I were two of them, as far as the third I hadn't decided who that was yet. Maybe I had subconsciously created the friend that I wish Jude and I had that we could share our relationship with without being judged.

 **Jude: Pancakes…**

 **Connor: Baseball…**

 **Jude: OMG CONNOR! DEAN JUST DIED! AGAIN!**

For what seemed to be the hundredth time tonight I laughed at my lit phone screen, Jude took Supernatural so seriously it was hilarious sometimes. He talked about it so much that I knew all of the characters and practically the whole plot of all ten seasons.

 **Connor: Ugh no need to freak out I'm sure he will be back like always**

I had a tendency to pretend to be annoyed with Jude's constant obsessing over the show but I had to admit that the way he fan-girled so much was adorable.

 **Jude: Yeah you are probably right**

 **Connor: Of course I am**

As I continued to write I couldn't help but glance out my open window at the clear night sky. I so badly wanted to go outside and lay in the soft grass and stare at the stars. It was with this wishing that a thought hit me and I text Jude.

 **Connor: Jude are you feeling slightly rebellious by chance?**

 **Jude: Depends**

I took a deep breath and looked at the time in the corner of my laptop screen. What better time to sneak out than at 3:42 A.M.?

 **Connor: The stars are really pretty and I really want to look at them with you**

I sent the text hesitantly and then added a shy emoji with a small smile.

 **Jude: Meet me at the park in ten minutes?**

 **Connor: Perfect**

Jumping out of bed and picking a pair of jeans off of the floor I pulled them on and grabbed a plaid flannel off of my desk chair slipping it on over my gray t-shirt. For the second time that night I snuck down the stairs and avoided making as much noise as possible. I picked up my shoes and made my way to a window in the living room that didn't have a screen, due to a very stupid bird from a few years ago. Silently opening the window I stuck my legs out until they hit the mulch in front of my house and then pulled the rest of my body through. Once I had completely exited the house I closed the window with an inch still open so I could return back inside when I came home.

 **Jude: I'm out of my house but I have never felt so bad in my life. I hate guilt**

 **Connor: Same**

Even though I did feel slightly guilty I also felt very proud. Growing up I had always done exactly what my dad had told me, and it felt good to finally betray somebody who didn't even accept me for me. Feeling more awake and excited than ever I started to run down the street towards the park that sat between Jude's house and my own. It only took me about ten minutes before I arrived and found a slightly scared looking Jude. I could understand why he would be nervous, he had just snuck out for the first time and now he was sitting in a park alone at four o'clock in the morning on a Saturday night. Of course I understand why Jude looked out of place but I felt the complete opposite. Instead of being scarred of the dark, unknown it made me feel safe, like a blanket surrounding me.

"Hey." I said, unintentionally making Jude jump slightly.

Before even responding Jude got up from the bench he was sitting on and enclosed me in a hug.

"This was a crazy idea. I don't think I would have done this if it wasn't you that had asked."

Jude's comment sent shivers racing down my spine as I remembered what I had thought earlier about saying I would do anything for Jude, turns out he would do the same for me.

"I know, and I'm sorry, but look at this." I grabbed Jude's hand and pulled him over to a place in the open field that was free of trees. I looked straight up and grinned at the vast montage of stars that sprinkled the dark night sky. I sat down and padded the grass next to me asking Jude to sit as well.

"Just lie down like this and stare up, it's so beautiful."

I was flat on back gazing up at the sky, but was still able to see an awed Jude staring at me out the corner of my eye.

"You are so perfect." He muttered.

"I'm really not, I can't even come out to anybody other than you."

"Connor please don't beat yourself up about that, I'm fine with waiting." Jude said while reaching out for my hand and lying down next to me. "These stars really are amazing."

I felt the corners of my mouth pull up into a grin and I lightly squeezed Jude's hand to let him know that I appreciated his encouraging words. "They aren't quite as amazing as you."

 **So in this chapter I kind of talked about Supernatural, so leave a review if you want me to post some Supernatural fics I wrote a long time ago. Also review if you didn't understand the random word thing when they were texting so maybe I can try to explain it better. Thanks for reading and please follow, favorite, and review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**First of all just a bit of a heads up there is some language in here that I haven't used before so just a warning. Second of all you should know that I really hated writing this chapter, but it had to be done to keep the plot moving. I don't own anything.**

"Where did you go?" An icy cold voice cut through the dark living room.

I froze in my tracks, this couldn't possibly be happening. Never in my fourteen years had I known my dad to get out of bed in the middle of the night to check on me. Even when I was a baby it was my mom who would drag herself from a warm bed to come take care of me. As I stood still racking my brain for an answer for my father I felt something in my stomach tighten at the thought of what horrible things he would say to me if I told him the truth. I considered for a moment lying and telling him that I had snuck out to do drugs or drink with some friends, thinking that this may cause less trouble than telling him the true reason I had snuck out in the early hours of the morning.

"Answer me Connor." He said in a flat but stern tone.

At this point I could feel more than my stomach tightening, I could also feel my throat begin to close up and my eyes sting at the potential tears.

Don't cry Connor that will only make it worse.

Pressing down my sudden wave of nausea I squeaked out the best lie I could think of on the spot. "I snuck out to meet some friends so that we could T.P. another friend's house."

With my lame attempt at an excuse I heard a harsh scoff from the corner of the room. The fact that I couldn't see my father made the scene much more terrifying than it should have been. The fact that I was scared of my father at all was ridiculous, this wasn't something a normal teenager should be worried about. I could hear a shuffling coming from the opposite side of the dimly lit room and bit the inside of my cheek desperately trying to hold back the tears. I was sure he knew by now.

"Connor you know I look at the phone bill, don't you?"

The steadiness and calmness of my father's voice made physical shivers go rippling throughout my body. I was so stupid to think that I could hide it from him, that he hadn't noticed the sudden up-beat mood I had worn ever since Jude and I had started dating. The fact was that he knew about my sexuality and was going to make sure I paid for going against his direct orders about being gay. Like I had a choice. It wasn't fair that this was how I was born and yet my own dad could go as far as making me feel like a disgrace to society, and a complete coward for liking the gender that I did. It wasn't fair and I was so tired of hiding it. Even though I had just admitted it to myself recently I had known for as long as I could remember that I was different, and yet I always had to pretend for my dad's sake.

Quickly my emotions changed from fear to anger and agitation, at what position my father had put me in. "So?" I asked defiantly.

"So! What do you mean 'so'? I can see how much you text that boy and the things you say to him!" At this point all calmness that was etched into my father's voice was gone.

Getting up from his seat and taking a step out of the shadows I immediately regretted my words I had said with a confident tone. One thing I had learned over the years was that being confident around my father, unless it was baseball, was a sure bet for screaming and insults.

"Are you hooking up with him Connor? Because I thought I made it crystal clear that no son of mine would ever be a freakin fag!" As the screaming from my father continued I felt myself trembling under his strong voice. It was times like these were the words he spoke made me wonder if I was even worth it. What was the point if I was so damn hopeless?

"Say something Connor!" His voice seemed as if it had shaken the whole floor making me audibly wince.

I stood staring at the floor, wishing desperately I could melt right into it. Hearing my father take yet another step closer I opened my mouth hoping that would make him keep his distance. Swallowing my fear and tears I opened and closed my mouth several times before I spoke the words I had both feared of saying and longed to say. "I'm g…gay."

Before I even really knew what was happening I could feel two sweaty hands gripping my arms and lifting me slightly off the ground. "You are not one of them!" He growled into my ear.

I shook under the strong hands of my supposed father and finally lost all control of the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes as I felt the front of my shirt beginning to dampen. In all my years of being verbally abused by father and him making my conscious hurt and ache with insults he had never once raised a hand to me. Tonight was different. The pressure around my arms was released but was quickly replaced with the pain of a fist that connected with my stomach. Hunching over in pain I let out a loud pained moan.

Half expecting for the beating to continue I found myself curled in a ball on the floor, my hands brought up around my face. I prayed that he wouldn't do anything that I wouldn't be able to cover up for the upcoming day of school. I lay in my fetus position for several minutes before I realized that I hadn't been touched since I had gotten on the ground. Peeking out from my arms I saw that my father stood several feet away with his arms above his head and his hands placed on the sides of his face.

I began to stand up cautiously and awaited some kind of response from the taller man. I knew that trying to run wasn't going to do any good, and really I had no idea where I would run to. Sure Jude would have helped me but I couldn't possibly let him know or see what had just occurred. As long minutes passed by between the two of us I could feel the silence eating away at my brain. I shouldn't have come out, it was a bad idea. Then again he was already assuming so all I was really doing was confirming what he had already suspected.

All at once my shadow of a father spun on his heels making me flinch. He was going to start beating me again. To my surprise he let words flow coolly out of his mouth. "You will not talk to this Jude kid anymore and your phone is being taken away." He exhaled loudly before continuing. "If I catch you sneaking out again, when you comeback you will find different locks and windows that are all closed from the inside."

I wanted to respond to apologize for the sneaking out part, but I wasn't quite able to find the way of using my voice. Instead I simply looked up from my spot I had carved into the floor with my eyes, giving my father a look of acknowledgment and asking him silently if I could escape to my room.

"I don't want to see you right now, get out of this room." He spoke, his voice dripping with venom.

I began to make my way upstairs, taking extra steps around the man who had been beating me only ten minutes earlier. Just as I was at the top step of the carpeted staircase I heard my father clear the back of throat. I knew from a very young age that this meant to stop. Sighing at my failed attempt of escape I turned around to find cold dark eyes peering into my skull. "Oh and you're dropping out of band."

 **Okay so really I was going to make this chapter longer, but that just seemed like such a good place to end it and not to mention its 3 am rn so... I really don't know when this story got so dramatic and intense but it did so I'm just gonna roll with it. I also wanted to give a heads up that updates may not be every week starting soon because marching season is coming (yay!) along with volleyball and I don't even know how I'm going to handle that, but I will try my best. As always thanks for reading and please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

**First of all I'm really sorry for the lack of updates in the past two weeks. First I had band camp and volleyball camp all in the same week, and then I was on vacation the week after that. Thanks for the patience though. I don't own anything.**

As soon as the harsh words left my father's mouth I felt the tears well back up in my eyes. Band was probably the only thing other than Jude that could make me happy. Without speaking another word I made my way to my room, praying that he wouldn't follow me back to my room and find me in my broken down state. I could hear the rough voice that would fill the whole house, screaming at me that crying was a sign of weakness.

My father had always told me that my baseball team were my friends, that they were good people to hang out with, but the fact is that all they do is go to as many parties as possible. It's not like they weren't okay guys but all they cared about was being popular and getting as high, or drunk as they could without being hospitalized. I would like to think that my father didn't know this and that's why he encouraged me to befriend the addicts, but something inside told me that he knew exactly what happened when those boys weren't on the field. So really other than my so called "friends" on the baseball team, people in band were my closest friends that treated me well. Having to quite the one thing that made me want to actually get up in the morning would absolutely kill me.

I sat on my floor, my fingers running through my hair desperately trying to think of a way that I could convince my dad to let me stay in the program. Maybe if I told him that it would look good on my college application? No he was set on me going to college on a baseball scholarship. Maybe if I simply told him the truth, that quitting band would be like cutting off one of my own limbs, it was that important to me. But really I knew that the truth wouldn't help at all, there was no way I was going to change his mind on this one, especially after what I had just told him.

I must have sat on my floor with tears leaving trails along my cheeks for an hour before I finally realized that something was different. Something inside of me had changed. I no longer felt my heart pounding in my chest at the thought of setting down my instrument for the remainder of my high school career. I sat up a little straighter and sat my gaze on the first thing that appeared in my range of vision. In this case I found myself starring directly at a skateboard that hung on my wall.

What was the point?

I could have sat on the floor for another hour, or maybe it was just a few more minutes I honestly couldn't tell. I tried desperately to feel something, anything, anger, sadness, guilt, happiness, loneliness, anything at all but I just felt scarily numb. Standing up, still starring at the skateboard I walked over and picked up my phone. I think my scattered mind told my fingers to scroll through my contacts until I found Jude's, but my body did something else. As the bright light of my screen seeped into my eyes in the cold darkness of my room I felt myself begin to go lightheaded. Was it the exhaustion? Maybe the stress and fear of what my father would say, or do the next day? The last thing I could remember doing was skimming my fingers over Jude's contact.

. . .

The first thing I noticed when I woke up the next morning to light pouring into my room was that my brain felt as if it was trying to pound itself out of my head. Other than the intense pain that came radiating from the side of my head I didn't feel much emotion. I knew that something was different and that I should be feeling something but I honestly couldn't seem to care about what was happening. I didn't really care if my dad was still downstairs letting his anger simmer, or if he had left the country to never return again. Nothing really seemed that important.

I picked up my phone, just going through the actions of what I would normally do when I woke up. My fingers floated above the slick lock screen. What was my passcode? Part of my mind screamed at me to remember, but the other part, the greater part, told me it didn't even matter. Squinting my eyes shut I tried desperately to think straight, think of anything that would be at least slightly helpful in this situation.

"Come on Connor!" I growled at myself.

Finally after somehow getting at least some control over myself I typed in the simple passcode and immediately went to my messages. Although it took my mind a moment to process I was able to see that I had over forty messages all of which were from Jude. Scrolling through the first few I quickly realized that this wasn't just a story that Jude was telling me like he sometimes did. The messages were mainly Jude trying to get me to respond, some of them panicked one word texts. I scrunched my face up in confusion, why was Jude freaking out so much? Of course if he would have known what had happened he would have been concerned, but I couldn't figure out how he possibly knew of the events that occurred last night after we had left the park.

I didn't bother reading through even half of the messages before making the mental decision to go see Jude in person. Even though I knew my dad would throw an absolute fit if he found out where I was really going I knew that Jude was who I needed to bring the feeling back. Of course I still felt numb inside but at least an inkling of something had crept back inside of me when I had read through Jude's worried messages. I really didn't want to have to share anything with Jude other than maybe what my father had said about quitting band because I would need his help with that one. Despite what my father had told me I had no intention of quitting my favorite class, I just had to figure out to hide the fact that I was still taking the class.

I stood up and made my way to my bathroom where I took in my exhausted appearance. Not only were there bags under my eyes, but my whole face seemed to sag under the weight of my father's words. My hair stuck up at odd angles suddenly bringing back a memory of the way I tore at it last night, frustrated with life in general. My plain red t-shirt seemed two sizes too big at the lack of food I had been eating these past few weeks, I didn't dare step on a scale to see how much weight I had lost. My skin in general seemed to be a papery thin and almost transparent in some places. Being with Jude has made me the happiest I have been in a long time, but it wasn't until now that I realized with the relationship, came the constant stress about what my father, or my team would say if they found out, and of course the stress brought about what was now my physical appearance. Why would Jude even want to be with me when I looked like this?

With this last thought I violently shook my head and tried to make those thoughts disappear from my head. Slightly straightening my hair and splashing some water on my face in an attempt to hide the pain that was behind my eyes I grabbed my phone and started down the stairs. I did a quick search of the house basking in relief when I couldn't my father anywhere. I would rather answer questions later than ask permission now. Before he could get back I practically sprinted out of the house and down the sidewalk. I could have rode my bike, but that wouldn't have made my heart pound inside my chest like it was now, bringing back a little more of the emotion that still seemed to be locked inside of me, slowly slipping out a little at a time.

As I made my way to Jude's house I tried to mentally prepare the conversation in my head. Obviously Jude knew something was wrong because of the forty messages he had left on my phone, but I still didn't have any idea of how. I didn't want to tell Jude of the hurtful things my father had said to me, or of how he had lifted my trembling figure off of the ground and then sent me shriveling on the floor from the hard punch he had sent to my stomach. I wouldn't tell my boyfriend of how I had finally come out to my homophobic father and how he had denied it all together, and I definitely wouldn't tell him that he knew about our relationship. It almost surprised me when I found myself stood in front of Jude's home, with its perfectly manicured lawn that made my yard look like a literal dump. By this point I had decided that I wouldn't mention anything about what had occurred after I returned from the park. Instead I would play it off that my father got annoyed with my practicing this morning and informed me that he was making me quit band and now I needed Jude's help with a plan. As far as how Jude had known something was wrong I just hoped however he had known wasn't something I couldn't explain.

I calmly walked up to the dark front door and knocked softly.

"Oh my goodness, are you Connor?" asked a brown curly haired woman, I assumed this was Jude's other mom, Lena.

"Ummm… Yeah I am, I was wondering if I could talk to Jude." I stuttered slightly, suddenly very self-conscious of my withered appearance.

Lena dipped her head slightly before stepping aside so I could step into the doorway and then calling up the stairs to Jude. "Jude, honey, Connor is here." She then turned and smiled to me. "You can go upstairs to his room, it's the first one on the left."

"Thank you." I said shyly before scurrying away upstairs.

I had made it to the top of the stairs when I practically ran straight into Jude. I looked up to meet Jude's eyes and found several emotions swimming in his face. I could see the hint of fear that seemed to be fading with every second as relief pooled up around the edges of his beautiful brown eyes. Before I even knew what was happening he grabbed my wrist and began dragging me down the hall to what I presumed was his room. Once we stepped inside I was instantly surprised by the amount of sports posters hanging from the walls, that wasn't like Jude. With Jude's next command my question was answered. "Jesus I'm begging you, can you just leave for like an hour?" All of this was Jesus's not Jude's.

Jesus began to smartly reply to Jude before he looked up and saw Jude's hand around my wrist. I don't know if it was the seriousness and pleading that was glistening from Jude's eyes or if was my pathetic body, or possibly both, but suddenly Jesus softened and picked up his things before leaving the room. As Jesus got closer to the door I could feel Jude's grip on my wrist loosen and as soon as his older brother was out of the room and the door was shut Jude nearly jumped on top of me pulling me into a hug. At first I was taken aback by the sudden embrace but soon I melted into the soft arms of my boyfriend. This is what I had needed most, because all of sudden all the emotion that had been lacking since I had woke up this morning came flooding back to me and it took every part of my being not to break down into tears right there in Jude's arm.

"God Connor I thought you were dead." Jude breathed against my neck making my hair stand up. Damn he was perfect.

Pulling back I returned my gaze to his and raised my eyebrows. "Why? Why would you think that?"

Jude's head fell to the floor and I could see the past worry still evident on his face.

"You called me last night… after we got back from the park." He stammered. "It was quiet for a minute and you wouldn't say anything and then you almost gasped out my name before I heard the phone drop and I couldn't hear you breathing anymore."

Now it came back to me, I remembered being on my phone and my fingers brushing over Jude's contact instinctively, but I must have blacked out after that because that's the last thing I remember.

"Oh." I said simply, my thoughts racing for an explanation that would comfort Jude.

"Connor what happened?" Jude breathed out nervously. I could feel his small hand soothingly rubbing against my cheek.

"I must have done it in my sleep, because I really don't remember that." I said in the most believable voice I could muster.

Seeing the doubt that was painted across Jude's face I tried to encourage him again. "Really Jude, I'm fine babe, I've done that before, I've called my grandma in my sleep once. As far as the lack of breathing, it's just you probably couldn't hear me.

I hated lying to him.

Standing up on his tiptoes slightly, since he wasn't wearing shoes and I was, making me slightly taller than him, he leaned in and gently pressed his smooth lips against my chapped ones. I returned the kiss, savoring the moment for as long as possible. Jude was the first to pull away from the light touch.

"Is something else wrong then? Connor please don't lie to me I can tell by your facial expression that something is bothering you."

I sighed before replying with what I had originally intended. "Well kinda, my dad says I have to quit band, but that's why I came this morning. I was hoping you could help with a plan to stay in the class. I really don't want to quit Jude."

Jude simply shook his head at my father's punishment and then slightly lifted the corners of his mouth to reassure me. "We will figure out something, I promise."

 **Woah long chapter but cool I guess.** **Okay so I would just like to say that I was in the middle of writing this when for some reason I remembered that the go-kart chapter was a thing and my heart melted. Idek how I forgot about that. So basically before this chapter I had absolutely no idea where this fic was going past the first 6 chapters, but now I do and I'm really looking forward to where this is going. But really thanks for anybody who has followed or favorited, it is probably the only reason I have actually kept up with this fic. So thank you and PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING, reviews make my whole day!**

 **PS: Sorry the A/N was so long…**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay so first of all know that this chapter is unedited because I'm exhausted and school has kept me way too busy to edit anything right now so I'm very sorry for any mistakes, feel free to point any out and I'll change it when I get the chance. Second of all I worked really hard this last weekend to make a Spotify playlist for the story! I'm so excited to be doing this! On the playlist so far is the first eleven songs for the first eleven chapters. Each chapter is in order with the song on the Spotify playlist. The playlist name is Rhythm of Music if you want to go follow it, every week I will be adding a new song that goes with the chapter. This chapter's song is Four Walls by Broods. I don't own anything.**

I had to be sitting in possibly the coldest classroom in the whole school as I reluctantly learned about the American Civil War for what seemed to be the twentieth time in my public school career; I had to admit though I wasn't listening in the slightest. It was the Monday after possibly one of the most emotionally straining weekends of my life. Sunday I spent most of the day at Jude's house, finding comfort there not only because I was with my soothing boyfriend, and also the best friend I had ever had, but because unlike my family Jude's family was kind and supportive. It was that day at Jude's house that I actually considered coming out to somebody other than Jude, or my father. Jude's family and home felt safe, something I hadn't experienced in what I had realized was a long time.

"Connor are you paying attention back there?"

I jolted up from leaning on my elbow and shot my head up to meet my threatening teacher's gaze. Before I even knew what words were spiraling out of my mouth I began lying to my teacher. "Ummm, yeah I'm fine… Sorry."

The short chalky haired woman peered into my mind with her eyes before clearing her throat and finally releasing me from the whole the twenty-three pairs of eyes that seemed to be analyzing me. "Connor go get a drink and come back ready to focus."

Not questioning her twice I got up and slung my backpack across my shoulder, leaving the room as quickly as I could. I had no intention of going back to further learn about the South and North of the country during the 1800's.

Stepping out of the room I headed for the one place I knew nobody would question me or bother me for that matter. I was going to go to a band practice room. I made my way down the halls, stepping out of the way and looking down every time I passed another of teacher or student, just the thought of human interaction made me feel sick to my stomach. I arrived in the long band hallway taking note of the messy band lockers on either side of the hall. Luckily for me the practice rooms were in the band hallway and not in the actual band room which meant it was easy enough to slip into one of the small rooms without being noticed by the band director or another student.

I sat my backpack down in the corner of the room digging out my phone from the front pocket before placing myself in the opposite corner of the room. The air in the room pressed against my skin and I could feel the beginning of goosebumps forming on my arms and legs. The room was a plain gray color and seemed to make the walls feel smaller than what they really were, but I liked it. It wasn't like the walls were closing in on me it was more like they were comforting me, like how a warm blanket wrapped around your shoulders made you feel safe at night. I didn't cry as I sat there alone, I didn't really think either, I just sat the feeling of not having to worry about anything for once being more of a stress relief than anything that I had done by myself in a long time.

After about ten minutes of sitting I finally let my mind start to roam. I thought about what seemed to be a constant problem anymore, my dad. Of course his acceptance and support was something that I longed for, but I honestly had no idea how I was going to achieve that. I had known my whole life what my dad's views were on homosexuality and I think I always knew that what my dad had preached to me wasn't true because how could I agree with him when I was gay myself. The views my dad had seemed to be engraved into his brain where they would never change. Suddenly before I even knew what was happening I found myself clenching and unclenching my fists and my face heating up with anger at my own father.

Before I had time to truly dwell on my emotions I calmed myself back down and went back to my previous state of blankness.

I was shaken from my thoughts when the intercom sounded its signature ear splitting ring and the principal made an announcement. "Connor Stevens please come to the office."

Crap.

The office never used the intercom unless there was a kid who hadn't returned to class when they were supposed to, just like me. Despite the announcement I was not going to the office because that would mean explaining and I didn't know if I could trust myself to not breakdown right there in front of the principal. I picked up my phone from where it had been sitting next to my foot and saw that I had been gone from class for a whole twenty minutes. I had to say I was kind of surprised that they hadn't called for me to come sooner. As I was checking the time a text message appeared at the top of the screen.

 **Jude: Why were you called to the office?**

 **Jude: Everything okay?**

I could almost see the concern laced on Jude's face as he most likely sent the message under his desk, hiding from the teacher.

 **Connor: Skipped class…**

I had no idea why I had told Jude the truth, I was sure he already looked down on me because I wasn't in all the AP and gifted classes like he was, telling him I skipped would just make it worse. I was surprised when my phone lit up with another message.

 **Jude: Okay give me a minute**

I didn't quite understand what Jude had meant by "give me a minute". What was he going to do? My worrying of Jude soon ended and, against my wishes, I was pulled back into what seemed to be and endless stream of ideas and depressing feelings I never thought I would have to deal with in my life.

"Connor… What's going on? It isn't like you to skip a class."

All of a sudden I was brought back down to the ground by the soothing, yet concerned voice of what I had known was instantly Jude's. I hadn't even heard the door open when he came into the compacted room, I had barley caught what he said. When had I become so wrapped up in my own thoughts?

"You know I really like it in here. It doesn't make me feel claustrophobic like I would have thought." I whispered from my lips.

Once Jude had entered the room and securely shut the door behind him I took a quick peek up at him before returning to my spot on the wall. He was probably worried sick about me I had to look clinically insane at this point, I just didn't know how to stop it.

Since Jude had taken his first step into the tight room he had acted as if he had been walking on eggshells. Now treading very lightly he leaned down next to me in what I had already declared _my_ corner and lightly placed his warm hand around my cheek. Jude's touch against my skin, even though it was so light and careful seemed to bring all of my walls crashing down. I immideatly jumped up from the cold ground and wrapped myself around Jude. I felt the warm embrace of Jude tighten around my waist as I buried my head into his neck, wishing for his body to swallow mine up whole. Jude's arms moved from around my waist to up under my arms and landed on my back, there he began rubbing small tight circles, relaxing me under his fingers. The tears started by pooling in the corners of my eyes until I heard a nearly inaudible voice speak up.

"You can cry Con, it's okay."

With that I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding and let myself begin the lurching sobs that were to come. The emotions that I had locked away for the past few days, even weeks suddenly came back to me all at once and it was if I was placing all of them on Jude's shoulders to carry. So that's what happened, I finally broke and I broke in the arms of my perfect, understanding boyfriend and not once did he loosen his arms from the embrace he held me in.

With every minute that I continued my meltdown I started to feel better and better, then again that was relative. I still didn't feel good, feel like I had felt before all of this had started, but I was better than I had been since I came out to my dad. If I had to guess I would say I probably cried for another fifteen minutes, Jude holding and calming me the whole way through. Once I felt my body to slow its racking movements and the tears that ran down my cheeks begin to dry I pulled away just enough to look at Jude, at his deep brown eyes.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I just…"

I was suddenly cut off when Jude interrupted me and pulled me back into his warm side. "You don't have to, at least not right now. "

The words Jude spoke sent a wave of relief throughout my whole body. Jude knew something was wrong, he had probably known for a while but the fact that he wasn't going to pressure me to spill my heart to him made me feel so much relief, more than I thought I could feel at one time.

"Just tell me when you are ready, or when you need to." He said into my neck. The breath he let out of my neck as he spoke sent shivers down my spine.

"Thank you." I spoke back into his neck, silently hoping that it would have the same effect on him that it had had on me.

To show him just how much I appreciated the comfort, and the fact that he had skipped class for me I broke away from the hug only to pick up his hands in my own and then lay my own chapped, tear stained lips against his soft, pink ones. Not hesitating at all he kissed back and wrapped his hands around my neck. This was the best I felt in over a week.

My wish of staying in the moment forever, in my safe haven of a band practice room was broke when the bell went off and made both Jude and I jump where away from each other.

"We should probably go to class." Jude said reluctantly.

"Yeah, probably."

Seeing the fear and unwillingness in my eyes he once again grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

"Tell you what, just get through the last class of the day and then you can come over to my house for dinner tonight." He suggested hopefully.

"Okay I can do that."

Stepping away and grabbing both of our bags Jude motioned for me to go out into the hall, he was probably going to walk me to my class to make sure I didn't skip out again and stay here. I took my bag from Jude and started out in the hall to go to my next class, I would get through it for Jude.

. . .

After the last class of the day I rushed off to Jude's locker on the other side of the school to meet him and walk home with him. Just as I was turning the corner to the hallway of Jude's locker I caught a glimpse of some of my baseball team standing around a kid that was on the floor, obviously scared. I stopped in my tracks and hid myself behind the wall otherwise they would want me to join in. As I watched I saw them kick at and spit at the poor kid I also heard them insulting him I just couldn't quite make out exactly what they were saying. Working up the courage I had I started taking a few steps closer, my intentions to tell them to stop beating the kid up and bullying him, that was until I heard the insults they were throwing at him.

"You're just a lonely fag! You're the only one in the whole school." They spat at the smaller student.

With even the first words that I heard I was practically running in the opposite direction. I began to slow down when I realized that I still needed to find Jude. I urgently tried to think of some way I could get to Jude without returning to the hallway when Jude came walking down the hallway in my direction. Jude smiled and glanced around to make sure nobody was watching before pulling me into a hug. When he let go he looked at me and frowned. "What's wrong?"

I hadn't realized that I had looked so flustered, or maybe it was scared, I didn't really know.

"Ummm, yeah I'm fine. Ready to go?" I said trying to change the subject so I could forget the situation myself.

I should have stood up for him, I don't know why I didn't. Maybe it was because it was my supposed friends making fun or the poor kid, or maybe it was the fact that they were making fun of him for being gay, but either way I felt awful for being such a coward when the kid obviously needed help. Then again how was I supposed to help somebody else when I couldn't help myself?

"Yup let's go." Jude said shaking me from my thoughts."

"Okay." I responded simply, still thinking the awful bullies and the poorly treated student.

 **Thanks for reading guys! As always please review, follow, favorite, and follow the playlist of Spotify!**

 **Here is a list of the songs for the previous chapters...**

 **Chapter 1: Prime, Allie X**

 **Chapter 2: Trojans, Atlas Genius**

 **Chapte r3: Octahate, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 4: Mother, Father, Broods**

 **Chapter 5: Livewire, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 6: Free, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 7: Dazzle, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 8: Midnight Moon, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 9: The Warmth, Koda**

 **Chapter 10: Coattails, Broods**

 **Chapter 11: Four Walls, Broods**


	12. Chapter 12

**Yeah this chapter is only like half edited so who knows what you are gonna find. The song for this chapter is ILYSB by Lany. I don't own anything.**

Jude and I were sat on the small twin bed pushed up against the corner of Jude, and his brother Jesus's room. This being my second time in Jude's room I already felt more comfortable in it than I did in my own. Here, at Jude's house, the potential threat of my father looming downstairs or in his bedroom didn't exist.

"The weirdest thing happened today in English." Jude said cheerfully. I could tell that ever since we left the school to come to his house he had been trying desperately to do any little thing to make even a crack of a smile spread across my lips.

"What happened?" I asked, going back to my previous system of hiding my emotions, and making Jude believe that his efforts to make me happy were successful, and really some of them were.

"Well, not so much weird as hilarious." He grinned, and his eyes sparkling with fake excitement. "Well that new kid Jason was walking to the trashcan to throw away something when he accidently got the trash bag caught on a button of his jacket sleeve, and he pulled the trash bag out." Jude beamed with every word. Why did he put so much effort in for me?

"So anyway then another kid shouted, 'Are you taking out the trash Jason' and the whole class burst into laughter. Well then Jason went over to the kid who had asked him about taking out the trash and easily picked him up and sat him outside the classroom! It was so great!"

For just a few minutes I forgot about all the issues I had been having and laughed until my side hurt. I had seen a lot of crazy things happen in the short month I had been in high school, most of which were band students doing who knows what, but that had to be the best comeback this Jason kid could have come up with. Once my heaving laughter had settled down enough for me to speak I peeked through my slightly still squinted eyes and spoke to Jude. "I can't believe I'm saying this but that is way better than anything that has happened in band this year."

All of a sudden Jude's face got very serious, the first time I had seen it without a smile the whole night, before he responded. "Oh just wait, something is destined to happen in band that will be greater than that."

As soon as the words had left Jude's mouth a smile plastered itself back to Jude's cheeks and I was grinning myself. Only Jude had the ability to bring me up, and make me forget about everything, even if it was just for ten minutes, that was still ten minutes where my brain wasn't ringing itself out trying to find a solution to the stress and worry.

Not forgetting about the intimidating and seriousness of Jude's face only moments before I pushed him until he fell back on the bed and complained to him through my laughter, "Geez Jude you had me seriously worried there for a minute. I thought you were gonna say somebody had died in the band or something."

This time when Jude's face fell I could tell that he wasn't pretending. "Con, why would you say that?"

My mind was sent racing as I tried to think of a sufficient excuse that Jude would believe, but my mind found nothing. I began to get nervous and I could feel my hands begin to shake, the first thing that always happened when I got anxious.

"Uhhh… I don't know…. I j-just…" I stuttered. There was no way I was going to break down in front of Jude for a second time that day, I refused to allow myself to do it.

What I didn't understand was why Jude was reading into my words so much, it wasn't like I had meant that I had killed somebody, or somebody from the band had threatened me, it was just what I had truly thought when he had gotten more serious. As Jude's eyes continued to bore into my brain I frantically searched for anything. Just as I thought I was about to break down, like an angel sent down from heaven, Lena called up the stairs telling us dinner was done.

I quickly leaped up from my place on the bed and hurried down the wooden steps. Now I just had to hope that Jude wouldn't question me further during, or after dinner.

Once I was in the Adam-Foster kitchen I looked around the table to find Jude's four other siblings all starring back at me. Jude wasn't far behind me and he quickly saw the faces of his brothers and sisters and introduced me. "Guys this is my friend Connor in case you didn't know him.

Most of the teenagers nodded in acceptance but Mariana and Stef, one of Jude's moms, continued to watch me. With their eyes on my I began to fidget once again. Normally I wouldn't be nervous around new people, especially people as nice and accepting as Jude's family, but I was already on edge from the conversation Jude and I had up in his room. I reluctantly pulled my gaze up from my lap and found the two from before still starring me down. What was up with them?

To try to settle myself in the uncomfortable atmosphere I looked to Jude and found a small smile playing across his lips. Scooching his chair farther under the table he patted my leg a little until I placed my hand in his smaller one and intertwined our fingers. I could already feel myself beginning to calm slightly, that was until a particular question left Mariana's lips. "Connor are you okay? You look like you've been crying."

Jude knowing me so well squeezed my hand even tighter, and sent his older sister a death glare.

"Ummm, yeah I'm fine just didn't sleep well last night."

As if knowing that I was uncomfortable Brandon quickly began asking questions about everybody's day besides my own and Jude's. With Brandon's subject change the remainder of dinner flowed past smoothly and before I knew it I was relaxed, my hand still sitting in Jude's, and I was talking and laughing along like I was a part of the family.

Just as everybody was finishing up their plates Jude caught my gaze and held it for a minute before excusing both of us and gesturing up to his room with his eyes for me to follow. Of course I did as Jude's silent signals had indicated me to and thanked Stef and Lena for dinner before padding my way up the steps with Jude on my heels. As soon as reached the soft blue room Jude shut the door with haste and pushed me on to his bed, landing on top of me and hovering his lips above my own. All at once I felt my heart pick up its pace and a smile trail across my lips until it was only inches from Jude' s.

"What was that for?" I whispered, the air from my mouth meeting Jude's face and turning it slightly red.

"I shouldn't have pressured you earlier, I'm sorry. I overreacted. " Jude said, his voice still very sincere.

Unconsciously avoiding the question I shortened the few inches that lay in between Jude and I and pressed my dry lips to his softer ones. Just like they said it happened in the movies I felt butterflies erupt from my stomach and stars form all around my head. Time had stopped.

It still amazed me how one person could make me feel so great inside. It was this particular boy that kept me awake at night, thinking of only being with him. He was my escape from my other dark thoughts that seemed to protrude in when I didn't want them. Jude was the reason I woke up every day and put any effort to school and my life in general. It was his calming, but beautiful brown eyes that always seemed to pull me back down to Earth when I began to float away. He was possibly the only person that I truly entrusted with my feelings and emotions and of course my sexuality. I had to face the fact that, really Jude was the reason I was still alive today.

Our make out session continued with Jude still on top of me and our tongues dancing across each other's lips. Deciding to make it more interesting I lightly bit the side of Jude's lip, asking for entrance into his mouth. Not surprising me at all he opened his mouth a little and I slipped my tongue into his lips, him doing the same.

Just as Jude had pulled his tongue out of my mouth and was beginning to kiss my neck my phone rang and sent us both shooting away from each other. I silently yelled at my phone for breaking up something that felt so good for once, and then saw that it was my father. Standing up from the bed and straightening my hair as if he could see me through the phone I answered reluctantly and let out a small peep of a hello. "Dad…"

"Listen up, for some stupid reason I'm trusting you to stay home alone for two days while I'm out of town on a business trip. Believe me when I say I wouldn't if I had a choice. " He spat the words at me, his voice sounding of that of an executioner getting ready to kill the next victim. "Now I know that you'll probably try to sneak one of your little fag boyfriends in or whatever, but just know that if I find out that you do I will make your life the most miserable it could ever be. "

`As if he hasn't already.

"You aren't gay Connor." And with that the call ended and I was stood there utterly speechless.

"Con, what did he say?"

In that moment I decided that I didn't give a fuck anymore and who cared whatever the hell my dad thought. He said that he would make my life absolutely miserable, well the fact was that he already had. My own father made me feel like a worthless piece of trash who didn't deserve to be in this world. He had made me want to kill myself, and the only thing that stopped me was the thing he hated most, but now I'm done. I don't care what he knows or what he thinks, I was having Jude over for the next two nights and I didn't even care if he found out.

"Jude you want to spend the night the next two nights at my house?" I asked in what was probably a bit too much of an excited tone.

Jude looked at me skeptically before asking. "What is your dad gonna say?"

"He won't be home, he is on a business trip, but he won't have to know." Seeing that Jude still looked skeptical I tried to strengthen my argument. "We won't do anything, I just want for you to be able to come over to my house, and I really don't think we'll ever get another chance."

After several minutes of pondering and funny facial expressions Jude nodded slowly. "Let me go talk to my moms."

Jude left the room and I was left standing in the middle of the room smiling like a dork. I liked this new feeling, not caring was so much better than worrying.

 **Thanks for reading! Just in case you didn't know I made a Spotify playlist for this fic called Rhythm of Music and it would mean a lot to me if you would go follow it. I need to know if you guys want a chapter of Jude over at Connor's house or not, just leave a comment. Anyway thanks for reading and please follow and favorite!**

 **Playlist for Previous Chapters**

 **Chapter 1: Prime, Allie X**

 **Chapter2: Trojans, Atlas Genius**

 **Chapter3: Octahate, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 4: Mother, Father, Broods**

 **Chapter 5: Livewire, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 6: Free, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 7: Dazzle, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 8: Midnight Moon, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 9: The Warmth, Koda**

 **Chapter 10: Coattails, Broods**

 **Chapter 11: Four Walls, Broods**

 **Chapter 12: ILYSB, Lany**


	13. Chapter 13

**First of all I am VERY VERY VERY sorry I didn't update the past two weeks, but I have been super busy and swamped down with homework, and barely any sleep. Good news is the busiest part of the first quarter is over and hopefully I can update every week again, keyword being hopefully. This chapter's song is Ease by Troye Sivan featuring The Broods. I don't own anything. **

I dug through my backpack until I found my house key and then cautiously opened the door and peaked my head through. I knew that I was returning to my own home but I still couldn't shake the feeling of breaking into a place that I wasn't supposed to be. Getting a glimpse of the dust covered staircase that has never once in my life been cleaned by my father, I began to feel more as if I was entering a haunted house, a place where something might jump out and scare me. Almost like if I were to find my dad calmly sitting in the living room waiting to yell, scream, lecture, and beat me for bringing home a boy. Deciding that my fears may not be that far off I succumbed to all the fear I had held before, ignoring my new found defiant attitude, and asked Jude to wait outside for a minute while I surveyed the house.

Taking a step in I peered through the open floor plan and saw my father nowhere in sight.

"Dad? Are you home?" I shouted, and was greeted with a slight echo back.

Still in fear that this was all some kind of mean Halloween trick I did a quick search through of the house before going back to the front door to let Jude in.

I lead Jude up to my room, this being the first time he had ever been in my house. Entering the room I saw Jude take in the various posters hung on the walls, and the neatly organized book shelf and desk.

"I have to admit Con I didn't think that your room would be this clean and organized." Jude said with a slight chuckle afterwards.

"Oh so you thought I would be a complete slob?" I retorted, although Jude's comment didn't really bother me.

"Honestly yes, but then again you don't really fit any of those stereotypes that I would expect from you." Jude paused for a second taking in my reaction to his previous statement before continuing. "When I first met you I thought you would be some stuck up baseball jock who was only doing band to go on the band trip, and get an easy fine arts credit."

Jude quickly began to rant without even knowing, something I had never seen him do, but made him look extremely cute.

"But god was I wrong. I soon realized that there was so much more to you than that. You weren't stuck up you were shy and insecure, you weren't in band just for the trip you have a true passion for playing your instrument, it's your outlet. Once I got to know you I realized that you weren't some ass who bullied kids like other jocks, but the sweetest most selfless person I know."

The words that left Jude's mouth as he went on about me widened the smile on my face, and lessened that pool of self-hate I seemed to have had here lately. It always amazed me how good Jude could make me feel when I was down, but I could tell at this minute he wasn't thinking about the words that left his beautiful lips, every single thing he said he meant and that's what felt the best. In my small reflection of happiness Jude had stopped to observe me. Once I noticed him staring at me I met his eyes with my own and he lifted the corner of his mouth until it was pulled into a small smirk.

"You know I'm a hundred percent serious right Connor?" Jude asked intently. "You are so freakin perfect and you don't even realize it. I understand you have a low self of esteem, but I can guarantee you that all the flaws you see nobody else pays even the slightest bit of attention to."

I let Jude's words soak in for a minute. He really did think the world of me, the same way I thought the world of him, and maybe that meant something more than us both liking each other. The feeling I got in the pit of my stomach was the best way to describe the four letter word. I was both terrified to speak those three words to Jude, but dying to at the same time. Before the words had even properly formed in my head I was speaking in rushed tone and squeezing my eyes shut bracing for the worst.

"God Jude I love you."

The words stumbled out of my mouth and were barely distinguishable but I could tell by the expression on Jude's face that he had heard, and frankly I was scared. Jude's eyes seemed to be frozen on something sitting in front of him, but as far as I could tell the only thing under his gaze was my dirty clothes hamper. The smile that my boyfriend had worn for most of the night had vanished from his features. What on Earth was I thinking? I had only known Jude for a little over a month, but yet I had just confessed my love to him. I could picture the things running though his mind with every second that passed. In Jude's eyes I probably seemed like a needy helpless kid who committed to things way before he should, when in reality I just couldn't imagine anybody else in the world being able to comfort and bring so much light to my life when everything was so dark.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that. I jus…just don't know… really know what is wrong with me anymore. I'm mm so sor…sorry." I stuttered, drawing everything I had within me not to fall into Jude's arms sobbing.

My mind began to race before it began to black out and I all I could really comprehend was harshly falling to the ground and violent shaking. Not exactly sure of what was happening, I could faintly hear Jude's voice above me and his arms wrapping around me as he tried to pull me back from the edge of my hysterical state. Despite the actions of the smaller boy I couldn't seem to step away from the ledge that I felt myself inching towards. Maybe it was the fact that at this point my life just seemed to be too full of shit or maybe it was because I knew as soon as I stopped Jude's comforting arms would leave and I would be left in this cold all alone, but either way I didn't have the control to calm restless-self down.

"Connor please just listen to me for five seconds!" Jude practically shouted to get my attention. "Dammit Connor I wish you weren't crying when I said this, but, I love you too." Jude said more to himself than he did to me.

I don't know how but this brought a sudden stop to my crying and I shifted in Jude's arms until I could clearly see his face and met his eyes with my own. For a few minutes we simply to absorbed each other's appearance and got lost in each other's eyes. Neither of us moved, but the his thin arms were still intertwined with my waist and our chests pressed together so that I could faintly feel his heartbeat against my own.

"It's not that I had to think about if I loved you or not Con. I just was scared to say it?" He broke the silence trying to further explain his previous unresponsiveness. "I've known for a long time actually, probably sooner than what I should have, I was just scared cause this is all so new, and I kinda thought that you could never love me back." Jude completed saying, putting space between every sentence to let the words sink in.

"Jude I never knew it was possible to love somebody so much until I met you."

Jude's response was nothing more than a small smile and a small peck on the lips. Relaxing under his lips I felt myself return to a state I hadn't been in for a long time, complete ease. Pulling back Jude looked into my eyes and used his thumb to wipe away the residue of tears still left on my cheeks.

"Thank you." I whispered out. "I think I may be getting better."

Although this wasn't a complete lie, because in this exact moment I did feel better, better than I had been in months, I mainly said it for the comfort of my loved one. I could tell that he worried about me more than he should, and if telling a small lie would help lessen his worry than it was worth it. I turned back around so that Jude's chest was pressed to my back and his arms were wrapped around me a tight grip. Jude could still feel the slight tension in my body that even I didn't know was present and began to rub his hand up and down my arm comfortingly, until eventually I felt myself drifting off in the arms of the only boy I had ever loved.

. . .

Two nights later Jude and I were both sat on the couch of my living room, Jude working on his pre-calc homework and me on my chemistry. The last two days could not have gone any better. Jude and I spent the nights doing our homework and then simply enjoying the presence of each other without having to worry about judgement or worrying parents in the case of Stef and Lena. Since my last breakdown I had refrained from letting tears leave my eyes, and although there were still times I felt down overall it was getting easier. There were more times that I was genuinely happy in the past two days than there were in the whole previous month. There was something about Jude that just made me feel so at home and at ease, all of a sudden my life felt like what a normal teenager's should be. It was the change of my emotions and mood that made me feel less guilty about the lie I had told two days earlier. While the statement I had given Jude wasn't necessarily true then, it was now and that had to count for something.

"Not trying to break your focus, or make you think about things you don't want to, but when is your dad going to be home Con?"

Jude shook me from my thoughts and sent me into a bit of a frenzy to come up with an answer that wouldn't make it look like I was sneaking Jude into my home.

"Ummm, well." For what seemed to be the hundredth time since I met Jude my brain failed me for a legitimate excuse. This would all be so much easier if I wasn't always lying to my own boyfriend.

"Con I know that you dad doesn't approve of your sexuality, and I know that he doesn't like me. Which means I'd probably be right if I guessed he doesn't know I'm here right now?"

I sighed before responding. "He doesn't know."

"But Jude these last two days have been the easiest, happiest days I have had in months, and it isn't just because he isn't here, it's because you are here too."

Jude seemed to be contemplating the right thing to do, his forehead scrunching up in the cutest way possible. I felt bad for dragging Jude into something that he probably wouldn't have taken part in otherwise, but I couldn't help it. It wasn't like he hadn't enjoyed the past two days either.

"I know, they've been great for me too." Jude spoke softly while looking down at his lap with his math book sitting open in it. "We should still figure out when he is getting back so I can be gone by then, I don't want to get you into trouble. "

I had to respect what Jude had said, and frankly I agreed with him.

"You should probably leave by nine, I think he will be getting back around ten, that is if he comes straight home."

Jude heard the sadness and fear of the return of my father and sat his math down to practically jump across the couch until he was sitting in my lap. Laughing I pushed him up slightly so I could get my chemistry notes out from under him. Once we were ridded of our homework I gripped my arms around him, similar to two nights ago when our roles were reversed.

"You'll be okay Con, I promise. "

Not really knowing what to say I nodded my head against Jude's back and subconsciously traced patterns on Jude's soft pale skin with my thumb. In this moment I couldn't imagine anything more perfect, other than maybe the part of my father's return looming overhead. Sitting in the same position for at least twenty minutes I assumed Jude was asleep and began to count in my head how much longer we could stay like this before I would have to wake Jude up and make sure he gathered all his things so there wouldn't be a single piece of evidence for my father to find.

"Connie didn't you say your dad was making you quit band?" A half-asleep Jude asked out of nowhere.

Sighing I thought back to the issue of band and my million other stresses that I had chosen to push away for the time being. "Well yeah, but I haven't exactly listened. He has no way of knowing unless he actually shows up for a football game or talks to a teacher. Neither of which I think he is going to do."

"I'm sorry Connor, it's not fair, it really isn't."

This time before I spoke I thought out my response and can honestly say that I meant every word. "It isn't, but it's my life and I'll deal."

Returning to our previous silence we sat comfortably and, although longed for more time exactly like the past few days, counted down the time until it was nine and time for Jude to leave. Jude packed up his things, making sure not to leave as much as a sock behind and then kissed and hugged my bye before walking out of my unfriendly home.

As if almost on cue, ten minutes after Jude had left my dad came stumbling through the door, obviously with a few drinks in his system. In a normal situation I would have stayed in my room and ignored my intoxicated father but I was downstairs when he came waltzing in and had no choice but to face down the drunken excuse of a parent.

"He was here wasn't he?" The first words my father had spoken to me in two days were slurred and much louder than what was necessary.

"No he wasn't." I stated flatly, whether I looked like I was lying or not he was going to excuse me of it.

"I don't believe you bitch." The words that passed out of my father's cracked lips stung more than previous ones. Maybe it was because I knew he was right, I wasn't telling the truth, but more likely it was because the walls I had built up from an early age were beginning to crack and everything he said seemed much more believable and real. My father was breaking down my own walls and brainwashing me all at the same time. He was like a small kid pulling back on their slingshot seeing how far they could stretch before eventually it would, just, snap.

 **Sorry this chapter was kinda complete crap, I hadn't written in so long that I kinda forgot where I was taking the story, but I'm back on track now. Anyway thanks for reading and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**

 **Playlist**

 **Chapter 1: Prime, Allie X**

 **Chapter2: Trojans, Atlas Genius**

 **Chapter3: Octahate, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 4: Mother, Father, Broods**

 **Chapter 5: Livewire, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 6: Free, Ryn Weaver**

 **Chapter 7: Dazzle, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 8: Midnight Moon, Oh Wonder**

 **Chapter 9: The Warmth, Koda**

 **Chapter 10: Coattails, Broods**

 **Chapter 11: Four Walls, Broods**

 **Chapter 12: ILYSB, Lany**

 **Chapter 13: Ease, Troye Sivan**


	14. Chapter 14

**Wait an actual update? I'm not dead? No I just suck. Yes I was super busy for a long time and then the past week I haven't had an excuse so I'm sorry, like genuinely sorry. I'm also sorry that this chapter isn't that long and basically sucks but the next is going to be nothing but fluff and will hopefully be up within the next week but I'm not making any more promises. Another reason I suck is because I don't really have a song for this chapter, but you should go listen to Young by Vallis Apps just because its like my favorite song ever. I don't own anything.**

Jude and I sat at a smaller lunch table towards the corner of the cafeteria where nobody could hear us talking or see the occasional pecks we gave each other. While Jude and I normally don't have lunch together we did this week due to standardized testing, and frankly we loved it. Not only did getting to see Jude while I was eating give me something to look forward to during my grueling classes but it also put a smile on my face. As Jude ate his peanut butter and jelly I snacked on some pita chips, not being that hungry. While Jude and I would normally talk about the craziness that had ensued in his house this morning, we spent the first ten minutes of lunch talking about how excited we were for the upcoming marching competition our band would be attending this weekend.

"The only part I'm not excited for is the two hour drive there," Jude commented, "Do you know how cramped it's going to be on that bus?"

I laughed silently so that I didn't spit out the milk I had just drunk. In my mind I debated if I should tell Jude what was really running through my head. A cramped two hour drive sounded to me like cuddling and sleeping in a bus seat if you asked me, surely we could make that look platonic enough.

"You know it may not be all that bad." I said matter of factly.

"Oh yeah and why is that?" Jude asked cutely while scrunching up his eyebrows as if he was actually annoyed.

"I mean we could just take a nap on the way there, preferably snuggled up together."

At my suggestion Jude closed his eyes and leaned further towards me until I was practically holding most of his body weight and then he took a deep breath as if imagining it in his head now. "That sounds so nice right now."

I nodded my head in agreement and then placed a light kiss on the top of his head before slightly nudging him to get off before somebody saw. While we had become pretty fearless about doing things in public we still couldn't risk being outed to the whole school; not because we cared what are peers thought but because my dad would probably beat me enough to put me in the hospital or worse, that's what it had become. Jude knew that my dad wasn't okay with my sexuality and that I had come out to him he just thought that I wasn't ready to be so different in the eyes of the various students that attended the school.

After several minutes of silence Jude took a sharp breath in and looked up at me from his slumped down position.

"Connor how are you going to be gone for a whole Saturday without your dad questioning you."

Shit.

For the past weeks I was able to continue attending all the band practices and events by making up some excuse that I was going over to a friend's from the baseball team or simply waiting till my excuse of a father was too drunk to notice that I was gone, but that wasn't going to work for a whole Saturday. This weekend we would be leaving by ten and wouldn't be returning until almost midnight, a lie that large was going to be hard to pull off.

"Ugh I have absolutely no idea, but I do know that there is no way I am going to miss this competition, this is what the whole season has been leading up to."

Jude nodded and wrapped an arm around my shoulders pulling me into his side. "We'll figure out something, we just need a really good idea. Maybe I could talk to Brandon or Mariana and see if they have any ideas."

"Jude as much as I love you for trying so hard, your family doesn't even know that we are dating let alone that I'm gay and my dad is a complete jerk."

Jude surprised me by not retorting with an immediate solution like normal and instead blushing and trying to hide a small smile that played at his lips.

"What?" I questioned.

Jude's cheeks darkened to an even darker shade of red before he answered, "It's just that you said you loved me again and it caught me off guard, but I liked it either way."

"Oh" I said simply, "Well I mean I do, I really do love you Judey."

"I love you too, and that's why I'm going to talk to Mariana and Brandon so we can get this figured out before Saturday. I can just tell them that your dad isn't letting you go for some stupid reason and that you need an excuse."

I thought about Jude's suggestion for a moment and considered my other options, options that I didn't really have. I could just leave without telling my dad, but I was pretty sure that wouldn't get me very far, and after that my only other option was to stand up to my father, something that made me physically tremble just thinking about.

"Okay, I guess you can talk to them, but I really don't know how they could help."

Jude sighed, "Okay I'll text them today in class and tell them to meet in the band room during study hall. You should come too so we can formulate a plan. We are going to figure this out, I promise Connor."

And this time instead of giving me a small peck on the cheek or head Jude lifted up my chin and made contact with my lips and his own.

. . .

I was the first to arrive in the band room during study hall and waited rather impatiently hoping that I wouldn't be questioned by the director or the few other teachers that lingered around the classroom for some reason. I began to scan the band room looking for any possible item or person that may provide inspiration for some kind of plan. Just as I had done a full circle of the large, slightly smelly classroom I saw Jude walk in with Brandon and followed by a very cheery Mariana.

"Hey Jude how are you?" asked Brandon politely while Mariana smiled as if encouraging the same question.

"I'm okay, how about you guys?"

I had to admit that their reactions were quite opposite of each other. Brandon simply sighed and proceeded to tell me how stressed he was with the upcoming competition on top of all of his other classes. Mariana on the other hand began a lengthy ramble about dance team and how she was super pumped because this new girl just moved to the school and rumor has it she was one of the best dancers in the state.

"Mariana," Jude said clearing his throat, "I'm sure Connor would love to hear about dance team soon but we really do need your guy's help."

"Oh yeah sorry Judicorn I completely forgot, what do we need to make a plan for?"

With Mariana's question I gulped and began to hug myself. I really didn't want to have to explain why I needed to perform a full on theater act to get to go to a marching competition. Jude knowing I wouldn't be able to explain it well and also too scared spoke up for me and began explaining the situation.

"Jude got grounded last week because he forgot to do the dishes, his dad doesn't really appreciate band and doesn't understand that the competition is for a grade so we need an excuse or plan so that he can go.

After Jude finished I peeked up from the floor and found that neither of Jude's siblings seemed to be questioning or criticizing the excuse that Jude had made up, in fact they both seemed to be in deep thought. As we waited for their brilliant minds to turn their gears and come up with something I made eye contact with Jude and mouthed a silent thank you to which he only smiled. I honestly don't know how I ever functioned as a human being in society before him, he is constantly saving me from awkward situations and conversations that I internally dread on a day to day basis. The only real explanation I could come up with is that I wasn't always like this, there must have been a time before my depression and anxiety where talking and living wasn't so scary. All of a sudden I was startled from thoughts when Mariana screeched, similar to a sound a bird at the zoo would make, and causing me to physically jump.

"Connor would your dad let you out of the house if I said I was your tutor for history and I was taking you to a museum out of town?"

I rolled the idea around in my head and decided that while my dad might let me out to see a tutor he probably wouldn't like that I was gone the whole day, but another idea did come to mind. My dad was willing to do anything at this point to make me believe I wasn't gay. All it was gonna take to get me out of the house was pretending to go on a date with a girl, only question is if Mariana would be okay with that. The three Adams Foster kids starred me down waiting for my response before I finally just decided to pull Jude aside and ask him.

"So I doubt my dad would let me leave if it was for a tutor but he would be all for it if I was going on a date." I said lifting my fingers for air quotation marks around the word date.

Jude sighed slightly before grabbing my shoulders and looking me dead in the eyes. "This is what we are gonna do, we are gonna tell Mariana that we are going with her tutor idea but you are gonna tell your dad it's a date. We won't let her get out of the car when she picks you up just so she doesn't ruin the plan, but she can wave to your dad so she believes you. Sound good?"

"Yeah, I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this Jude, you shouldn't have to." I said sadly.

Jude instantly wrapped me in his arms and rubbed his fingers across my shoulders.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for Con, I LOVE the fact that I get to do things like this for you, cause guess what. I love you." He whispered the last part so that his siblings wouldn't hear.

Pulling away Mariana and Brandon looked at us with their eyebrows raised.

"Looks like you'll be picking me up for a museum date on Saturday Miss Tutor." I said with a small smile.

 **Thanks for reading! That is if there are still people reading this after I haven't updated for like 5 weeks. Please send me a message or comment or something if I do that again, yelling at me would definitely give me motivation. I am literally just rambling at this point. Sorry.**


	15. Chapter 15

**I honestly can't believe I was able to update so fast, but here you go. The song for this chapter is Technicolor Beat by Oh Wonder. I don't own anything.**

The past few days had passed by quicker than I had expected, for once my only worries were perfecting my marching and playing for the competition this Saturday. While I was slightly nervous to try and escape my dad's suspicious grasp this weekend I wasn't overly concerned. Friday night I had decided it best to try and tell him that I would be gone the whole Saturday on a full day trip with a girl I had asked out. When he had asked where I was taking her and why he hadn't heard about this unknown girl before, I simply responded that she was new and we had only started talking the previous week. While my father didn't seem to completely believe the lie I told him he didn't question it and told me that it was about time I come to my senses and asked out a girl. I would like to say that my father's words hadn't gotten to me and I had simply shrugged it off but that would be a lie and I'm exhausted from the constant lying that seemed to have consumed every fiber of my life. As much as I hate to admit it my father's words had taken a toll on my mind and after almost a week of ignoring the homophobic jerk I was once again haunted by his harsh words and unloving words.

Not being able to shake his words from the previous night I lay on my bedroom floor, the clock reading the existential time of 4 am. While I could partly blame my lack of sleep on my nerves about the college marching competition tomorrow it was primarily my dad's closed opinions that kept my eyes trained on the ceiling. I had to admit that I had given up on getting sleep tonight and decided that while I had spent the past week to two weeks trying my hardest to stay upbeat and ignore the nagging words of my father at the back of my head I deserved to feel sorry for myself in these few short hours until morning.

I calculated in my head the four hours I had until I needed to wake up and call Jude about the final details of my "date" that would be picking me up around 9:30. In these four free hours I made several conclusions, some more useful than others. The first conclusion I made was that while I tried desperately to not care what my father thought it was impossible. Yes my father was abusive at times, never accepting of my true self, and just an overall shitty dad but I still loved him and couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose the only person I had ever known as a parental figure. The next thing that I had concluded was that Jude makes me happy, happier than I ever could have imagined and in all honesty I would be so lost if one day Jude up and decided he was tired of putting up with me and left. The third thing I realized is that the ceiling, when starred at long enough, could manifest into whatever image I wanted, whether it be a happy one or a miserable one where only my father and I existed to battle out our differences.

At around 5 am I decided that my current tactics for dealing with the stress of my life were not at all helpful and if anything were causing me to question life and begin the early stages of an existential crisis. Picking myself up off the ground I made my way to my laptop and began writing. I couldn't tell exactly what poured out onto the page but I was sure that the words would mean something later. Of course I had tried to write in previous years always glorifying the thought of spilling creativity and ideas of nobody else's but my own onto a page but it had never been what I imagined. Now was different, suddenly writing came very naturally and my fingers seemed to be controlled by a brain of their own. I wrote for nearly three hours upon realizing that it was already time to call Jude and hear the rough sound of my boyfriend's morning voice.

Just as I was about to grab my phone and click on my only favorited contact my phone began buzzing and a picture of Jude with his eyes bright and shining appeared on my screen. Quickly answering to my own amusement there was already a loud amount of yelling in the background of Jude's call.

"Everybody up and alive over there?" I asked slightly concerned at what sounded like Callie yelling ow.

"Yeah I don't know what all the screaming is about but I'm sure they are fine." Jude said, his voice just as I had predicted. "So we have a small change in plans."

My stomach dropped, Jude was probably getting ready to tell me that Mariana didn't want to help anymore or that my dad had found out and already contacted the school about my immediate schedule change that needed to take place. "What?" I practically whispered.

"Are you okay Con? I promise it's nothing big, Mariana just needs to pick you up at nine instead of nine thirty because the buses are leaving earlier."

I sighed audibly into the phone and began rushing around my room to put on some nicer clothes, truly trying to make my dad believe the act of my date. While I was frantically looking around my room I put Jude on speaker phone and asked if everything else was still the same.

"Yeah it is." He replied with a yawn.

"Jude are you okay? You're never tired in the mornings, did you not sleep well?" I asked concerned.

"Not really but I'm fine, I promise."

While I wanted to question Jude and see what was bothering him enough to affect his sleep I resisted due to the fact that I needed to finish getting ready and decided that I would ask him later.

"Okay well if something is up, you know you can tell me right?" I said sitting on the edge of my bed. "Just because I'm so screwed up doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have bad days and tell me about them."

After I finished speaking I could practically feel Jude smiling through the phone. Silence filled between us but it wasn't awkward, it was peaceful because we were both taking in the moment to appreciate just how lucky we were to have somebody in our lives that cared so much. Finally after around four minutes of enjoying each other's encouraging silence Jude spoke up.

"I know Connor, and trust me, I will talk to you if I need to, but honestly I was just excited for today and excited to spend a whole Saturday with you.

Jude's words brought a wide grin on my face, one I wish he could see through the phone.

"Me too Judes, but I have to go if I'm going to be ready for Mariana to pick me up in twenty minutes."

Jude gasped slightly when he looked at his clock and responded by saying, "Oops sorry Con, I'll let you go, see you at the school in about an hour." With that he hung up and I once again ran around my room looking for the nice outfit I would wear for my "date" and a bag of extra clothes that I would change into and wear under my uniform.

Right as I had placed a small folded blanket in my bag for the ride to the competition the doorbell rang and I quickly ran downstairs before my father could answer the door himself. I certainly didn't want upbeat, perky Mariana to be scared away by my somber, negative father. Somehow to my luck as I went past my father's room I heard nothing other than a groan come from the bed which meant he was making no possible attempt to answer the door. Cautiously sticking me head into the door I yelled at my hungover excuse of a dad.

"Dad I'm leaving for my date, and won't be back till late, see you later!" I yelled, only getting a groan in response.

Opening the front door I was met by a very perky, bubbly looking Mariana who wore a large smile on her face.

"Ready?" she asked loudly.

"Yup, let's go kick some marching band butt." I responded back.

. . .

While I had hoped to see Jude as soon as I reached the band room I wasn't that lucky. The first thing I saw when I entered the bustling room were people running in all directions, all looking for a replacement for something they had lost or left home, or others who chased friends trying to get their shoe back. The band was honestly one of the biggest groups of immature yet kindest groups of people I knew. Despite the fact that we had left half an hour earlier than originally planned it still seemed as if most of the band was already dressed and heading out to the parking lot with instrument cases. I hurriedly found my way to the band closet and searched the various racks looking for my uniform. Once that was found I proceeded to look for my hat box and started putting on the slightly restricting uniform. That was one thing I hadn't considered in my grand plan of cuddling with Jude on the bus.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" A band mom asked me while I finished lacing up my Dinkles.

"Umm no I don't think so." I said with a small smile.

"Alrighty well just try to hurry if you can, they will be taking role on the buses soon."

I nodded my head and stood up to retrieve my instrument and head out to the front parking lot. Reaching the parking lot I ran along the buses until I found the bus I had been assigned earlier this week and stepped in to search the seats until I found Jude sitting up in his seat waiting for my arrival. After I had checked in with the parent chaperone of the bus I made my way to the back of the bus where Jude was curled up in the corner of the seat, that being as curled up as he could be while wearing his band uniform. Unfortunately for our cuddling plan I had been too late to put my hefty instrument case in the cargo part of the bus and was forced to find a spot to put it on the crowded bus. Obviously seeing my dilemma Jude perked up and offered a solution, "Here put it under my feet and we can just put our legs on top of it."

At first I was hesitant knowing that if we did that we would be bound for some painful leg cramps throughout the ride but I quickly saw that we didn't have any other options and this would probably mean Jude and I would be sat much closer . Stepping back as much as I could I slid the large instrument case in between the two seats and then sat down next to Jude.

To my relief it wasn't long after I had gotten on the bus, due to the fact that I was the last one on, that we left and were finally allowed to talk since all the rules had been explained by the driver.

"I don't mean to be annoying, but are you sure you are okay? I can see the bags under your eyes Jude." I asked stupidly to start the conversation; I should have eased into the topic instead of seeming so forward.

To my surprise Jude didn't role his eyes or seem annoyed instead he simply placed his head on my shoulder and yawned before slightly smiling against my shirt.

"Con I love that you're concerned, like honestly it means a lot that you care so much, but I swear I'm fine." He said confidently, and while I had only known Jude for about three months now I could still tell when he was lying and I knew that there really wasn't anything bothering him.

"I just wanted to make sure, cause I really care about you Jude and wanna make sure you are okay." I responded by whispering in my boyfriend's ear.

"Thanks Con, it means a lot, but what about you? Are you okay? Are you better?" Jude asked as he sat up and looked me in the eyes so he could read my eyes. Just like me Jude had learned to read my emotions through my face, making it harder and harder to lie to him, for once though I didn't think I had to.

"I think I am, I honestly can say that I'm happy more than I'm sad. "

The last time I had really been sad, other than last night, was when my dad had questioned me about Jude being at the house which was almost a week ago. Thinking back a week really didn't seem like that much of a feat, but I guess I just had to take the small victories.

"That's good Con, you deserve to be happy." Jude said, genuine relief and happiness soaked his voice.

For the next few minutes we sat in our previous position with Jude's head buried in my chest and me pondering whether or not I should tell Jude about the previous night. Eventually I decided against it because while I hadn't slept at all I had found a way to deal with it and once I had started writing the bad thoughts, and sadness seemed to disappear from my mind. I was shaken from my thoughts when Jude moved his head against my body so that he was looking up at me and silently asking with his eyes if we could snuggle in a more comfortable position and sleep. I let out a small giggle at the pure adorableness of my boyfriend and proceeded to move over until I was squeezed into the corner of the seat. The seats of the bus weren't that big and Jude ended up practically sitting on my lap his head now lying further up on my chest and one of my arms draped across his waist so he didn't slide out of the seat.

Before long I found myself running my fingers through Jude's soft hair while he rubbed circles on my arm, something he had become very good at. Eventually Jude's circles stopped and I could feel his breathing against my chest even out indicating that he had fallen asleep. It wasn't long after Jude had drifted out of consciousness that I followed him to a peaceful slumber.

We were awaken from our sleep when a junior tuba player peeked over our seat and said, "Jonnor, as cute as you are sleeping together, I'm afraid you are gonna have to wake up. We're here."

As soon as what the tuba player had said registered in my head I shot up and tried my best to hide the fact that Jude and I were practically attached at the hip. Noticing my attempt, the accepting tuba player eased my concerns, "Don't worry about it man, I won't tell anybody and I honestly thought it was cute."

"Thanks." I whispered.

With almost everybody off the bus I was able to wake Jude up in the cutest way I knew how. I smiled at Jude's sleeping figure before lightly kissing him on the nose and watching him twitch his whole face from my ticklish gesture.

"Do I have to get up?" Jude complained trying to reach out and grab me to pull me back down into our previous cuddling position.

"Yeah you do babe, I'm sorry."

While sighing Jude got up and said exactly what I had said earlier, proving just how alike we could be at times.

"Then let's go kick some marching band butt."

 **Thanks for reading as always. Do you guy's want a chapter of them at the marching competition, with a bunch of bandy stuff or do you just want me to continue on with the story? Either way review and tell me what you think would be good.**

 **I hope you have a great stress free day!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay well originally I wasn't going to do a competition chapter but there were a few people who said they wanted it. This chapter is basically half fluff and half pure band nerdiness, so I'm sorry if you aren't in band. Song for this chapter is Youth by Troye Sivan because that song is basically my anthem right now. I don't own anything. **

Once the entirety of the band was off of all three buses the struggle to put together instruments and find plumes from a various mom or dad had begun. Jude and I and were a bit rushed due to the fact that we had spent a little longer on the bus then what we should have. As I retrieved my neck strap and mouthpiece from my case I heard a loud sigh and then a small 'shit' escape my boyfriend's voice.

"What's wrong babe?" I asked, concerned that something had gone terribly wrong if Jude was cussing in front of a large group of people, including several adults.

"Con you know I love it when you call me that but there's a lot of people around and we've already almost been outed today."

While I'm sure Jude didn't mean to come across the way he did I couldn't help but notice a slightly annoyed tone that wavered in his words. I began to feel a slight shade of red creep up my cheeks at the mistake I had made in front of potentially the whole band. At first I didn't really notice but eventually I looked up enough see to Jude mimicking my blushing actions.

Leaning over to whisper in my ear in a way that hopefully looked nothing but platonic Jude said, "But trust me _baby_ I definitely like it when you give me nicknames and I'm sorry I sounded annoyed it's just that I broke my reed and don't have another."

The next thing Jude did surprised me in a way I never thought he would do. Before pulling his lips from my ear, the boy I called mine cupped my ear as if he was telling me something that absolutely nobody else could hear and then proceeded to kiss my head in several places all while maintaining his whispering act. While I didn't mind what Jude had done or find it that wild (preorder Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan, sorry wrong fandom, but still do it) it's just that Jude's simple act had taken me by surprise and yet I loved it more than I could have ever imagined.

Leaning back Jude sighed and said aloud this time, "So do you have an extra reed I can borrow or should I go talk to somebody else in the section?"

"Don't worry about it, I've got one." I said simply, trying to let the butterflies in my stomach subside.

. . .

After the band had been rounded up we made our way to the stands with our instruments in hand. Making our way to the very top of the bleachers I noticed several upperclassmen yelling at underclassmen to stop their complaining about the combination of the heat and the fact that for the next two hours our only entertainment would be other various drumlines and color guards. Finding two empty seats next to each other I soon realized I was sitting next to none other than Lauren Conrad, the very girl who was known for nothing other than having a major crush on me for as long as anybody can remember. Sighing I stood up and peered around the rest of the bleachers and was sad to find that were no more empty seats that I could find. Normally I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of the situation but I really just wanted the day to be about Jude, and I didn't want to have to explain to Jude or anybody else why I was being so cold to Lauren.

Jude must have noticed my unease from the constant concerned glances he gave me because soon he grabbed on to my wrist that was set in-between our two seats.

"Hey are you okay? You look so tense." Jude said softly, his eyes laced with worry and concern that warmed my heart.

Not wanting to explain I simply nodded my head and shot my boyfriend a small smile, one that would assure him I was okay.

Jude probably didn't believe due to the fact that he continued the glances when he didn't think I was looking and a tighter grip that was placed on my wrist as if he was trying to keep me grounded. Maybe I should explain to Jude what was going on, the poor boy probably thought I was on the verge of another anxiety attack or that my thoughts were creeping to darker places. Deciding that I should really explain to Jude the situation and why I was so tense I came up with a simple excuse.

"I need to go to the bathroom," I said turning towards Jude, "Do you wanna come with Jude?"

As if catching on to my tactic Jude nodded his head. Scared of losing our seats I looked to a sophomore trombone sitting on the other side of Jude and asked him to save our seats. As we scooched our way out of the row of seats I ignored the eyes of Lauren that burned into not only my face but my butt too.

Once we had reached the bathroom Jude immediately searched to see if we were alone and then pulled me into his arms.

"Spill," he whispered into my ear as I was still enclosed in his arms, the band uniforms making the hug slightly uncomfortable.

"Don't get too worried, I'm fine. It's just that I was sitting next to Laruen and I've literally had somebody each year since the first grade tell me that she liked me and ask me out for her."

Jude, somehow finding some kind of humor in the situation, laughed silently trying to cover up his soft chuckles.

"It's not funny!" I whined, slapping his arm slightly. "Jude if you haven't noticed I'm kinda gay."

With these words Jude began to lose control of his suppressed giggles and burst out while clutching onto my shoulders for support.

"Why is this funny to you?" I almost shouted.

After allowing his laughter to die down Jude sighed and said, "Because I had the same thing happen to me, except it was this girl named Kelly Zarbras."

At first I didn't really know what to tell my slightly hysterical boyfriend but instead I decided to just role with it and laugh along with him. Eventually once both of us were able to control our giggling Jude leaned up into me and pressed his lips to mine.

"We better get back before people start wondering where we are." Jude says after detaching his soft pink lips from mine.

We made our way back to the small section of bleachers and this time I sat next to the sophomore trombone and Jude sat next to Lauren. I noticed the visibly sad expression Lauren wore when she noticed that Jude and I had switched places but I was able to ignore her and enjoy the drumlines and Jude.

. . .

My heart pounds in my chest. This is it; this is competition, the moment we have been building up towards all season. Of course I probably shouldn't be that worried but I can't help it. What if I forget the notes I have so carefully memorized weeks ago? What if I get off step and make it obvious? What if I forget my sets, or forget the visuals? Despite the fact that I know none of these things are likely to happen, the fact being I have marched this show perfectly countless times, yet I can't help but worry. The upperclassmen, especially the seniors, have been stressing for weeks now how important this contest really is. I don't know if it was to motivate us or to scare us but stories of seniors crying in the past because of a loss have been told more times than I can count. I know we have an awesome show but I can still feel my fingers shaking and sweat dripping from the back of neck.

I patiently await the whistles that will sound us to march towards the center of the field from our current position in the corner. As if in a far off blur I hear the end of the announcements and the whistles blow from the drum majors. All together the band steps off and marches towards the center of the large football field. Time to kick some ass.

Once on the field I stare straight ahead not daring to move an inch in fear that I will be the two points deducted from our score that could easily be the deciding factor of our place.

"Drum majors, is your band ready to take the field?"

With that the drum majors flawlessly conduct their creative salute, including wands to represent our killer Harry Potter show. Running to their ladders and counting us off the band simultaneously stepped off and began playing the first notes of Hedwig's Theme. My mind racing I didn't worry so much about the notes and relied more on my muscle memory and hours of practice to perform the task at hand. As far as marching, I zoned in on my roll stepping and internal metronome to keep me on step.

Halfway through our opening song I felt myself relax just enough that the butterflies in my stomach eased and I was able to march and play with pride and confidence. I don't know how I had ever doubted myself so much, of course I could do this, this was the hardest I had ever worked for anything my whole life.

With an impressionable ending to our first song we began our second, and also our most boring piece. Marching into what supposedly looks like a broom from the bleachers I could feel the butterflies beginning to return to my stomach as we approached the next and final song. Everybody's favorite part of the show was coming up, the part where we pull out our secret weapon and astonish anybody who ever even doubted us.

Nearing the end of the song I began to get slightly distracted from thinking of the upcoming events and caught myself off step for a beat or two only to be caught up by Jude softly whispering, "Left, Left" next to me. Unlike previous times where I had become self-conscious of my sloppy marching causing Jude to have to aid me I let his action warm me from the inside out. I no longer looked at the action as something he did to yell at me, but as a way to keep me in time and grounded down on Earth. Jude had a tendency of doing that.

I played the last whole note of the song as loud as I could and slowly put my instrument down with the drum major's hands at the end of the piece. What followed was something I never thought I would experience. Maybe it was just me or maybe everybody on the field felt it, but in the next twenty seconds of waiting it was as if we all held our breath. The chaos that was getting ready to unfold had us all on our toes waiting with anxiousness. Every person in the band knew that all our hard work of the season came down to this performance and this game we were getting ready to play was our award.

"Catch the snitch!" Yelled Brandon, and the whole band ran off to their positions.

Soon brooms were picked up off the sideline, quaffles thrown in from various color guard members, and a uniform stripped off the tiniest of the clarinet players to reveal a full yellow costume complete with the large label of 'snitch' on his back. The band ran around in the most choreographed way possible while still looking like that of an actual Quiddtich match. This was our secret weapon, the thing that made everybody else want to be us. As we continued for the next minute members of the insanely large band began returning to their original positions and instruments as the game was still in action. Before long the only people left in the middle of the field was the snitch and a seeker for each "team" of the band. The supposed Gryffindor swooped in and tackled the poor clarinet player who was volunteered by his section. With the capture of the snitch half the band erupted into cheers as the other took out their fake wands and pretended to throw spells at the cheering Gryffindors. Within another eight beats the entirety of the band was back in their positions and waiting for the whistles for our last and final song.

The rest of the show was a bit of a blur due to the adrenaline pumping through my body. My mind only fully returned to my body when we marched off the field and I was bombarded by a thrilled Jude and a saxophone to the chest.

"Sorry, didn't mean to do that, but that was awesome Connor!" Jude shouted at me after removing his body from mine.

"That was amazing! Only band could pull something off that good!" I returned to Jude, my hands shaking slightly from the excitement that coursed through my body.

I hadn't felt this good in forever and yet it was something I was doing behind my dad's back. I quickly decided that I couldn't think of him right now and turned my thoughts to something else, choosing the surge of energy that coursed through all the music students standing before me, a group of people I honestly considered my family. The reason I am still alive is because of this group of people, and they deserved the win, we all knew we were about to get, so much.

 **So this story probably has about another five chapters left until its over and I'm in such a writing mood right now so I'll probably update again this weekend. Also I'm thinking about starting a Tronnor story, so if you would read that let me know. Thanks for reading and sorry if you didn't understand most of this cause you aren't in band or into Harry Potter.**

 **I hope you're having a great day!**


	17. Chapter 17

**_I'm sorry_ I suck I really am, but still here is a super short update... The song for this chapter is What It Is by Kodaline and I really suggest listening to the song while reading... I don't own anything **

Just as expected we had won the competition by a solid five point difference between us and the other band. The long ride back home that night at nearly eleven at night was chaotic yet one of the best memories I think I'll ever have. I knew that the band could get pretty loud and excited about different things but I never in a million years could have imagined what happened that night. Chanting, screaming, dancing, and singing all took place. You could hear each bus erupt as the drum majors and band director stepped onto the bus with the trophy before we left for home. Hundreds of pictures were taken by various sections and groups of friends as we proudly made our way back to the buses. Each member of the band carried their wand high and proud in the air and after we had been announced the winner we all joined in to form a huddle with our wands pointed above our heads in victory. My favorite part of the whole night was the choruses of band students singing _We Are the Champions_ the whole two hour ride home.

On the long, yet exhilarating, ride home I was sad to find that Jude and I didn't repeat the same actions from the drive to the competition, we were both too excited about our extreme success to worry about each other. Saying that, I was taken home from the school by Brandon, Mariana, and Jude, all three of them waiting for me to send Jude a text saying I wasn't in trouble with my dad. When I first entered the house I could feel my heart pounding against my ribs in fear that my dad was waiting and ready to chew me out for being home so late. I'm sad to say that I was fully prepared to make up a lie about how I had been out getting wasted and making out with girls. Fully searching my house I found a note on my father's bed. Of course I was surprised that the man actually had enough decency to leave a note letting me know where he was.

 _I had an emergency and had to leave town, should be back by Tuesday. Don't you even try to bring any fags into this house_

Reading my father's words I lost any bit of respect or trust I still had for him. Not only did he insult me but he directly admitted that he had no trust in me whatsoever. Just like the previous week I decided that I didn't care about the potential consequences of being caught and whatever came with that and decided to run back outside and ask Jude to spend a few nights with me.

Reaching the still waiting car in my driveway I poked me head through Jude's rolled down window. "He's gone for work," then leaning in slightly so only Jude could hear me I whispered, "Stay the night with me?"

Jude perked up at the proposition and quickly nodded his head without having to think about it.

"Brandon will you tell moms that I won't be home tonight and that I'm staying over at Jude's?"

Both of Jude's siblings that were in the car looked to each other in slight confusion and I could see the hesitancy in their eyes.

"Ummm, Jude shouldn't you ask moms and not have me just tell them." Said Brandon, the guilt evident in is voice.

Jude's face shifted for a moment and then he looked down at his lap, I could tell he was debating what he should do in that pretty little head of his. Eventually the brown haired boy looked up at me and shot me a slight smile.

"If they really want to then they can come and drag me from Connor's house, but I really want to spend the night. I'll deal with whatever punishment tomorrow. "Still not looking entirely convinced Jude added, "And if they ask you can say that I just ran into the house and refused to come out."

The two older siblings shared another hesitant glance before nodding and agreeing to Jude's statement. Jude hopped out of the car and followed me into the house. Inside I screamed with excitement. I didn't even care about the amount of sneaking around I did with Jude, it almost made things more intense and fun.

As soon as we were both safely inside my home I grabbed Jude and pulled him up the stairs and, once in my room, went straight for the bed where we both fell and started laughing slightly before staring into each other's eyes. I could tell that Jude was happy by the features of his face. The way his eyes squinted as he let his bright smile light the room, the way he didn't break eye contact for what felt like hours, and the way his whole face looked at peace with the world. In this moment I could say that I felt the exact same way, totally at peace and happiness warming my chest. I still found it hard to believe that just being in somebody's presence could change all the emotions I had been dealing with inside. Little moments like this, staring into the boy I loved eye's, were the reason I woke up in the morning, the things that kept me going in life.

Breaking eye contact to pull me into a hug Jude whispered softly in my ear, "Con, be completely honest with me, how are you doing? Is it getting better?"

Jude's concern for my health made me want to squeeze him forever and never let go. How on Earth did I get so lucky? Instead of responding to Jude's question I simply smiled into my boyfriend's neck hugging him tighter. My actions seemed to be enough of an answer for Jude, him communicating back with no words.

The night continued perfectly fine, Jude and I preparing what we believed to be five star meal, complete with flour covering the kitchen floor and our faces. Our homemade pizza was enough to satisfy the both of us through a movie, making out, and of course cuddling. By one in the morning both Jude and I were exhausted from our hard, yet rewarding day of marching band.

"Judicorn we should go to bed." I said sheepishly to a nearly asleep Jude on my chest.

The only response I got from the slightly smaller boy was a hum of approval and open arms that faced up to me.

I chuckled at Jude's actions and said more to myself than to the sleeping boy, "You're lucky that I'm fairly strong Judicorn."

I lifted Jude up from the couch and carefully carried him up the stairs bridal style, all while trying my best to resist the urge to kiss his beautiful face constantly. Once I had safely placed Jude in my bed I looked at my phone, just to make sure that my dad hadn't text me a surprise of an earlier return time. I concluded after a quick glance at all of my messages that he either wasn't going to give a notice or I was safe for now. I pulled back the covers and placed myself as close to the sleeping boy already occupying the bed as possible, snuggling up to him as if my life depended on it. Several minutes passed before I concluded that I just wasn't close enough to Jude and placed my arm around his shoulders so that I was spooning him. After cuddling closer to my boyfriend, and feeling even safer than before I felt myself begin slipping into insomnia.

. . .

I woke up to sound of my door being thrust open and a growl like noise coming from somebody who was right near the bed. As cliché as it sounds, just like all of the movies, time seemed to pass without my brain processing it. I was on the ground without registering a single thing. I felt a shoe collide with my side and heard the slight crunch of bones as it happened. Once that pain had reached its full climax I felt two ice cold hands tighten around my throat. It was when my head started feeling light that I realized the situation at hand, I also registered the fading screams of a teenager.

As I tried to turn my head and get a glimpse of Jude, my only worry being his safety, I felt my vision start to blur and my consciousness begin to fade. The only thing running through my mind was thoughts of Jude. I knew there was no possible way I was going to live through this, and for some odd reason I was okay with that. Of course I had been getting better, but there were still times I felt like complete shit. Maybe this would be easier, that is as long as Jude was okay, he didn't deserve to be hurt by my father, only I did. When I assumed that the white knuckles around my throat couldn't get any tighter I was wrong. For the last time the hands tightened and my final thought was…

This is just the way it goes

Maybe I'll die young before I'm old.

 **. . .**

 **. . .**

 **. . .**


	18. Chapter 18

**Basically I hate the first two thirds of this and then the last third is some of my favorite writing I have done in a long time, still probably doesn't make any sense though so sorry. The song for this I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young. I don't own anything.**

The first thing I felt when I woke up in the morning was the aching that was present in the entirety of my body. My ribs felt as if they were bending with each movement, my head pounding in a way I didn't even know was possible, my legs quaked from the weight of my body as I tried my best to stand and prepare myself for school. Despite the fact that it was Monday morning and the beating had happened over twenty four hours ago this was the first, to my knowledge, that I had come to consciousness. The last thing I remember was the cold grip around my neck like chains and the screams of Jude. Now here I stood in front of my mirror, barely able to balance on my own two feet, trying to piece together everything that had taken place. As I stared at my own broken form in the mirror I was surprised to see that the only marks on my body that you could see with clothes on were the faint grip marks of a hand present on my neck.

"You so much as raise your hand and let your stomach show at school and it'll be a lot worse." My father's booming voice said as he stood with broad shoulders in the doorway of my bathroom.

It took everything I had in me to not shudder under his gaze and hide my body from any further beatings. Even if I can't remember exactly how the last twenty four hours had gone things were starting to come back and they scared the living hell out of me. Remnants of my eyes slipping shut and my mind beginning to black itself out as I struggled for any bit of oxygen were fighting their way to the forefront of my brain. I could barely recall the iron grasp loosening from my neck and the grunt as a fist hit my father atop the head, then of course to follow that was a shriek from a boy I cared so deeply about.

"Connor look at me!" Said the cringe worthy voice.

I turned my head but kept my eyes down just enough to avoid the blood curdling stare of my dad.

"Say it, just like I told you to last night."

My dad's reminder was enough to send another flashback of memories flooding through my brain. I recalled Jude's body being thrown on the ground and then him running out because that's what I was yelling for him to do. I remembered the slaps across the chest, and the kicks to the stomach and rib cage as the words of faggot rang through the house. I remember that one final punch to my head had been delivered and I had blacked out until the next morning. Luckily enough for me nothing had happened yesterday morning or afternoon, it was the evening I had to fear. I don't know if the reason I didn't remember immediately was because I was trying to block it out or if because the slaps and punches had caused me to forget. What I do know is that my father came into my room and in an eerie quiet sat on my bed before cleanly slapping me across the face and demanding one thing of me.

" _Admit it." He almost whispered._

" _Admit what?"_

" _Say that you were lying and just stupid, tell me the truth that you are straight, you like girls."_

" _I don't like girls, I'm gay dad."_

 _Slap._

" _No you aren't! You're lying!"_

" _I'm not lying when I say that I'm gay!"_

 _Slap._

" _Dammit Connor say that you're straight!"_

" _I'm not though!"_

 _Slap._

" _Fuck! Boy when will you get it?!"_

 _Slap._

" _I'm gay dad! Just accept it!"_

 _Slap._

 _Tears leaked from my eyes and I didn't know how much more my face could take._

" _Say that you're straight!"_

" _I'm straight!"_

After the continuous slaps he had gotten up and left only to come back before he went to bed and repeated the whole process, that time leaving me actually believing the words that left my lips. Now as I stood in the bathroom with him ominously leaning in the doorway the words almost easily rolled off of my tongue, no longer quite tasting of venom.

"I'm straight and I like girls." I said my throat only closing afterwards.

"Good," was his only word before nodding and leaving for work.

No matter how hard I tried to move from my glued down spot in front of the mirror I couldn't seem to bring it upon myself. Since my battered legs refused on carrying me back to my room to finish getting ready I decided to further inspect the bruises and scrapes that scattered my covered body. If I ever gave my father credit for anything it would be that he didn't leave a single sign of the abuse anywhere on my body that could be seen when I have clothes on. Finally after a complete examination of my wounds I wobbled my way to my room and chose the comfiest clothes I was able to pick from my closet. Once ready and already an hour late I made my way downstairs and to the door where I looked forward to my two-block walk to school on legs I doubted the ability to carry me to the dreaded hellhole. Beginning my journey on the sidewalk I hoped for two things, one was that nobody would question my battered body and the other was that Jude wouldn't try to talk to me at all, or better yet see me. I couldn't think of a single reason I would want to talk to that faggot who had made me think I was ever gay. That isn't true; I'm as straight as a post.

. . .

Wobbling my way into the office of my school I tried my best to keep my head down and avoid any eye contact with the secretaries. I really didn't need any questions or stares at the moment. To no surprise the secretaries marked my absence as unexcused and looked upon me with disappointment, if only they knew the length of it. Ignoring the judgmental stares of every person in the office I made my way to my locker as quickly as my sore legs could carry me. I reached my locker and realized that in order to get the things for my third and fourth hour classes I would have to bend down, having a bottom locker never sucked more. The mere thought of bending down made my body hurt so I decided that I could make do with the notebooks and folders I already had in my backpack and headed off to my first class. Making my way to web page design I passed the band room and had the sudden realization that Jude was destined to come into the band room during study hall, there hadn't been a day in the past month that he hadn't. Shit. I didn't know if I could take the questions, the worried glances, the examination of my boyfriend. He had to know at least in part what happened, he had been there for some of it, he was the reason I wasn't strangled to death. Fearing the rest of the day and wishing for nothing other than to be cuddled and held by someone I opened the door to my web page design class.

After handing my teacher my pass and finding my way to a seat in the back of the room I immediately sat my stuff down and laid my head down on some notebooks and things. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the remainder of the day, not when I was ready to go to any lengths in order to make the pain stop. For months before this I had struggled with the demons inside of my head. I spent night after night crying myself to sleep, wondering what the point of me being on this Earth even was, but now was different. Never before would I have thought my body could feel so much pain. On the outside I felt my skin scream in agony with each movement, my face sore from the constant slaps and head sore from the endless tugs at my own hair. Inside it was more than emotional, it felt as if bones and ribs were cracking with even the slightest shake or jut of my skin. I remembered back to weeks ago when, as a being, I felt numb, no sadness, no happiness, just nothing on the inside, but whether it was a good or bad thing, I was way past that. The only way I could find to describe my emotions was devastation and defeat.

So this is how I wasted the last forty five minutes of class, working a silent agreement out with the teacher at some point that this is where my body would remain while my mind and soul drifted away to dark places. Now as I got up from my desk I wondered if I would actively be able to participate in the discussion taking place in my English class today. I knew for a fact that there was no possible way I was going to be getting full points for speaking the needed amount of times, and I didn't really care. My true fear was that the teacher would force me to talk. I never understood how the public education system could force somebody with social anxiety, who could be going through way more shit then they would ever know, to speak in front of a classroom full of judgemental stares. Naturally the thought of ditching or going to hide in the band room crossed my mind, but despite the fact it was solely his fault my dad would still throw a major fit if he received a call from the school saying I was failing all of my classes and ignoring the responsibility to show up to class.

To my disappoint my English teacher didn't pick up on my dire needs to not participate, or didn't care, like my other teacher had. After placing myself in the most invisible place of the room I could find, a task kind of hard considering our desks and chairs were in a circle, I kept my gaze trained on my lap. This semester in our class we were discussing controversial issues and this week's topic was none other than LGBT rights. As I so greatly dreaded the teacher began calling on students who hadn't chosen to participate. There only being five of us who refused to utter any words, I was the second that was called on by the cruel man.

"Connor would you like to share any of your thoughts?" He said as more of a command than a question.

I sighed and the words that came out of my mouth were something that chilled me to the bone, I sounded exactly like my father. "I don't think those fags deserve any rights." As soon as the my ears received what my mouth had said to it's own accord I felt my toes curl, and my blood freeze.

No, no that wasn't right. I didn't believe the harsh words that passed by my chapped lips. I felt tears begin to stain the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall in front a group of people, several who stared back at me in horror. There were a few in the class that were aware of my sexuality and relationship with Jude, I could only imagine the horror of my words that played at their minds. Millions of thoughts flashed through my mind in a matter of seconds. There was not a cell in me that believed what I had just said in front of thirty people. Of course I thought the LGBT community deserved rights. How could I ever question that I don't deserve the basic rights of a human being? But as I began tearing myself apart it was if I felt the ghost of a hard hand connecting with the skin on my cheek. I'm not gay I meant every word I said.

My mind twisting in confusion of what I believed in my heart and what my aching body told me to believe I got up from my place in the room and left as fast as my broken mind and body could muster. I went to a place of familiar comfort where I would hopefully find the ease that was once present within it's walls. I entered the practice room and hoped to God that somehow Jude wouldn't figure out about my inevitable mental breakdown and come looking for me in a much too obvious place.

I couldn't tell you how long I sat there and cried, tears seeming to be my body's natural coping mechanism. I went through phases, my body wracking with sobs one minute and my eyes dead as I stared on at the cream colored walls the next. Despite my most likely evident changes in movement and posture, my thoughts remained the same. Mind calmly processing the despair, depression, defeat, dread, darkness, desperation. I felt completely devoid of any happiness.

Just when I thought my confusion couldn't get any worse I heard the door open and a small figure slip in.

"Connor I know you aren't okay." He begins to say to me while bringing his arms up to enclose me in a hug. "I heard what happened, and I'm worried. " He audibly sighed and pulled his arms back before touching me due to my lack of acknowledgement. "Con I was there! You almost died!" He was yelling at this point. "Baby I just didn't know what to do." He responded to the tears that leaked from my useless eyes. "You were both screaming at me to get out, and I just didn't want to leave you because I knew he would hurt you but then you pushed me and I had to leave!"

Jude's latest statement made me look up from my clouded place on the scratchy carpeted floor. I had hit him? Never in a million years did I wish to hurt that beautiful boy who had done nothing but love me.

"Dammit Connor say something!" He let out in a strained whisper, the tears that now littered his cheeks causing his throat to choke up.

I felt my heart begin to take over and my blood race, I just wanted to apologize for ever hurting him and hold him to my chest but when I went to stand up I felt the pain shoot through my entire beaten body. Now on my feet, Jude reached out cautiously to hold my cheek and instead of comfort and ease all I could feel was the traces of pain and the haunting memories.

Jerking back from the touch my mind raged. _He's a fag! Why would you ever associate yourself with him Connor? You like girls, not boys! You're straight! Get away before he hurts you!_

"No, don't touch me. I'm not gay and I never want to see you again!"

I didn't look back to see his reaction, I didn't think I could, not when I know that I still love him somewhere inside of me. So I ran. I ran as far as my battered body carried me until I fell in the bushes not too far from my house or his. I couldn't find the physical or mental strength to get up so that's where I stayed until my mind slipped from reality.

 **Thanks for reading guys! So this story has about 4-5 more chapters until it's done and I just wanted to say thank you for all the comments, follows, and favorites. After I finish this story I am going to be focusing on my new story so go check that out. Other than that I hope you have a great day/night!**


	19. Chapter 18 and a half

**This chapter really isn't important to the story and it's kinda depressing af so only read if you want. Song is Heaven by Troye Sivan. I don't own anything. **

Waking up in bushes is by no means a pleasant thing to experience. By the time I opened my eyes enough to see street lamps and a few cars driving down the street I felt as if I had been hit by a literal bus, who knows maybe I was, nobody cared enough about me to stop it anyway. I reluctantly picked myself up from the ground and began my hobbling journey back to my home. As I walked towards my street I began questioning myself on whether or not I wanted to return to my personal hell. Then again I couldn't think of somewhere else better to go considering the fact that I had just screamed at my boyfriend to a point that he would probably never want to talk to me again. Allowing my confused mind to wander to Jude was a mistake because it made me curious. Did he really care enough to check on me after the scene I had caused in the practice room? I pulled my phone out of my pocket just in time to see that it was at a sad 3% battery. Before the screen had a chance to turn black I unlocked my phone and saw no new notifications by the messaging or phone apps. He really didn't care.

My steps were seemingly forgotten as I turned down each street, wandering to no accord at this point instead of returning to a place I dreaded. I didn't know what was happening inside my head, I couldn't tell you if I was sad or if I was angry, couldn't tell you if I felt like crying or laughing until my stomach hurt. Part of me wanted to puke at the thought of seeing Jude again and the other part of me knew that his presence would put me back into a rhythm I wasn't aware I needed in my life. Inside I felt emotions swirl around and mix themselves together until I was left with a knot in my stomach, limited air filling my lungs, and an emptiness inside that I don't think I'll ever be able to explain. My conscious told me that being alone was the best solution for my pain, sadness, or confusion, really just whatever the hell I was feeling inside. But while my head told me one thing I think I know deep down that what I craved was human touch, to be wrapped in somebody's arms and a chest to cry into. Never before had I been so conflicted on the inside. yet the more I thought about it the more sure I was that one thing I needed was to let it all out. I know that I had breakdowns in the previous months but it wasn't enough, I needed more.

Breaking away from my thoughts at the sounds of a honking car I realized that I had somehow ended up in the middle of a street nowhere near my neighborhood. Upon my realization I settled on a conclusion, when you hurt so much on the inside, it doesn't quite hurt as much on the outside. In my wanderings I had completely forgotten about my sore, useless body. The thing about my conclusion though was that I would much rather feel the pain on the outside then on the inside, I truly hated the confusion that lay within myself.

Removing myself from the street where I was still stood, I slowly made my way to the sidewalk and decided that I welcomed the cool air of the late autumn weather, it made me feel more numb. As the thought rang through my head I took in a sharp breath and began to feel myself shake, I thought I hated the numb feeling? With so many thoughts running around my mind in circles in what seemed to be an endless game of tag I felt tears begin their formation at the corners of my eyes and the shaking of my body intensify. Here I was on some street I didn't know about ready to breakdown to a state of I don't know what. I could feel my breaths becoming more ragged and the ever present knot in my stomach begin to turn in a state of pure fear. All I needed was one logical thought, one logical idea on how to get home so nobody would find me and then I could let the walls I had built up for much longer than I realized down. I began staggering my way back to the streets I _did_ know and willed my own two feet to move with each step. Much to my disappoint my anxiety worsened with each foot I placed to the ground. Out of nowhere air stopped it's way in my throat and my hearing became muffled so that only my dysfunctional body could be heard. This was it was going to breakdown right here in the middle of middle class San Francisco, and for some odd reason I didn't know if I was ever going to get up again.

Barking orders at my own brain I struggled to pull myself along until I finally reached my own street and pushed the pain back down into my stomach, not yet but almost. Stepping into the grimy home I was able to feel relief wash over my through the pain, anxiety, and depression. I practically crawled my way up the stairs and collapsed on the bed. Now as I was finally in a place where at least somebody would think to look for me, that is if anybody cared about me enough, I let my body collapse in on itself.

There was no more fighting it as I let the tears bring upon a closed throat, my vision fade out until it was focused on nothing, my ears to close themselves off, and my stomach to twist and tie itself into ways I didn't know where possible. For the second time in less than a week I let the edges of my vision begin to grow dark, but unlike last time I welcomed the darkness, hoping this time maybe I wouldn't be as lucky and wake up. I just don't know how much longer I can take it.

 **Sorry this isn't a real update guys. It's unedited and basically I needed to vent so this ended up happening. Once again sorry it's so short, unedited, and depressing af, I'll try to post a real chapter soon.**


	20. Chapter 19

**I'm an awful person who is super busy and doesn't update for a month and I'm sorry! Thanks for sticking around if you still have! Anyway the song for this chapter is Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan (the video is really great to go watch it). I don't own anything.**

I'd be lying if I said that I could recollect the things that happened from the time I passed out in my bed to the time I found myself sitting in the school auditorium listening to the daily announcements. I didn't remember waking up this morning, dressing myself in something that was at least slightly different from what I wore yesterday, dragging myself here, and then somehow sitting adjacent to Jude. Much to my relief Jude didn't try to engage in any conversation as the director rambled on about yet another honor band I would never be good enough to get into to. Purposely tuning out the boring instructions on how to sign up and what the band would entail I reflected on life. I knew as I began to let my conscious drift that I was digging myself into a deep hole that I would most likely not be able to climb myself out of, yet I let it happen anyway.

Today unlike yesterday I was back to feeling nothing, no happiness, no sadness, no excitement, no guilt, no emotion. No love. I struggled internally, debating whether this feeling was better or worse than the physical and mental pain of suffering and abuse. The voices screaming back in forth in my head telling me that yesterday was the impiety of worse, yet today was a thousand times more hallow. I could feel myself begin to shake at the constant arguing I struggled to contain. I don't know how much longer I can handle it, how much more swaying I can do in a sea of depression and despair. What was the point anyway? Thinking back I had the sudden realization that for months before this my only anchor in the harsh winds had been Jude. But now I had lost that, I had blew away whatever shining thing we had. I didn't have anybody to blame but myself. Yes I loved him with all my heart and would do anything for him, but my dad was right. What I did with Jude was wrong and the weight should be put on my shoulders for ever allowing it to happen, and for breaking Jude's heart. I never knew it was possible to feel as if you have wronged someone just by loving them.

As if he had heard my thoughts, I felt the lingering eyes of Jude on hands that were placed in my lap. He can't do that! I knew for a fact that intelligent brown-eyed boy had already spied the bruises on my hands and wrists. With Jude's eyes I looked down and noticed that these were in fact fresh bruises, still a dark purple or black, not yet turned green like the others. I must have blacked out and fucked up somehow, given my own father some reason to beat me and restrain my hands from movement. I was reminded of Jude's curious and reluctant glances when he casually nudged my arm with his own. This couldn't be happening, I couldn't talk to him anymore, he couldn't know that my dad had caused all the new imperfections that littered my body.

This time Jude must have been feeling more confident, or just enjoying the way I squirmed and hid under his touch, for he caressed my bruised elbow with his soft hand while searching my face for any clues to lead him onto what had happened. I silently sat in my seat, still tuning out more pointless announcements, cursing the drum majors and the director for making us sit in sections. It was as I was internally screaming at myself, and practically everybody else in the world, that I realized Jude's hand was still attached to my joint. As fast as I could without making it too terribly obvious I pulled my arm away and tried to calm my frantic breathing. Finally after several deep breaths I peeked a glance at Jude. I was so busy internally hyperventilating that I had barely taken notice to the worry drenched on Jude's clear complexion. I again looked down at my lap and sighed in disappointment. Why does all pain find it's source from me?

"Connor?" I felt hot breath in my ear, making me pull my shoulders up to my head.

Not being able to take it anymore, even if I knew it was wrong I turned my head slightly to the left and connected my eyes with the chocolate brown ones staring back at me. Using my facial expressions to communicate, like Jude and I did so often, I asked what it was he wanted, all while begging for help and forgiveness.

"Con, let's skip next hour, I need to know what's wrong. I can tell you aren't okay." His sing-song voice tickled my ear.

Jude's proposition bounced off the screaming voices in my head. For the first time today I actually felt something, a sliver of sadness at what something so lovely as our relationship had become, but also a smaller sliver of hope. Maybe if I could just talk to Jude, somehow get him back and tell him everything that has happened, go live with his family, then maybe it would all be okay. Although much to my regret, I found an even louder, deeper voice in my head that furiously yelled that what we had, what we will ever have, isn't right. I'm not gay and by no means would I date a faggot like Jude.

Returning my glance to its previous position in my lap I longed back at Jude and slowly shook my head, I just couldn't let it happen. Once again to my displeasure and heartbreak Jude bit his lip to hold back what I am guessing was tears and turned his head back to the front. That was it, I think I just blew my last chance, and yet I didn't know if I should be utterly heartbroken or patting myself on the back for finally doing the right thing.

. . .

The clock in the very corner of the room stared back at me with a hard face, the time didn't seem to be passing fast enough. Somehow I had made it through the never-ending band class and endearing math lesson, all without crying, but everybody reaches their breaking point. After nearly two hours of biting the inside of my cheek and welcoming the metallic taste that seeped its way to my tastebuds, I had decided that I was only fooling myself. How could I ever think that I was strong enough for this world? Meekly walking my way through the halls I decided for once in my life I would use my brain before making a decision. My feet carried myself through the band hallway and past my usual practice room to the costume closet of our theater. Passing the practice room, where I had spent countless hours of my time weeping, hurt more than it should have. Who knew four walls could provide so much comfort and ease to a tattered soul.

Unlike my usual occurrences of sobbing and deep thoughts I found the emptinesses from this morning leaking its way into my presence. I didn't cry or feel regret or acknowledge the depression or welcome the anxiety, and I definitely didn't hope that Jude would find me and tell me everything would be alright. I simply sat in my corner, the dust from the old costumes making me sneeze every once and awhile, and stared.

While my brain may not be being used, and may still be conflicted about many different things, I was aware of what was happening around me. I knew that exactly three hours of precious time, that I didn't want, had passed when I heard the door to the closet open and shut. I knew from the moment the body walked in that it was Jude, based purely on his clean, light smell. I could tell you that my eyes never opened from the time I heard footsteps coming down the hall towards my small secluded space. I was also aware that whether I liked it or not I was getting ready to break and I just hoped to god I wouldn't hurt Jude in the process.

"Connor just because you can't see me doesn't mean I can't see you."

I refused to open my eyes, I was too afraid that if I did I would find comfort in the soothing pools of brown that would surely be staring back at me.

"Con, about what you said yesterday, it really hurt, but i know you don't really believe those things. I know that your dad brainwashed you." It's true he had brainwashed me and made me believe awful things. For days now I have felt so conflicted, caught in a storm of hot and warm, between what I know in my heart and what I was told was right.

Still with my eyes closed and breathing becoming more and more ragged I fought back tears. I hated the fact that I was accustomed to the rivers running down my cheeks and the mud of regret they left behind. All I really wanted was to admit to Jude that I missed him and wanted him back, but my fear of his rejection kept me from showing any emotion. Not only was I terribly scared that I had crossed a line with Jude and he would never take me back, but I was also scared of hurting him. I had already brought so much accidental pain and sadness into his life, I don't know if I could bear to put any more on him. Through all my thoughts one thing seemed to be shining through. I need somebody in my life right now who isn't an abusive father, somebody who knows how to handle my panic attacks, and most of all somebody to give me a home even if it was just their arms. I need Jude.

Stuttering my head up from where it was previously placed on my knees I opened my eyes as if I was a puppy seeing for the first time. With a painfully hopeful look on his face I found Jude crouching down next to me and carefully reached a hand out towards me. Before he had the chance to touch me I quietly spoke, "That isn't the only thing he's done to me."

Jude eyes grew wider by the second before he finally snapped out of his daze and pushed into me. Jude's small frail arms were wrapped around my shoulders and his head buried into my neck. I could feel his warm tears slide their way down my neck to my back. It only took Jude's relentless apologizing and sobs to make me realize that my arms still lay limp at my sides. This is what you wanted you idiot, to be hugging Jude again, hug him back! It's strange, never before I have been the one to hold Jude as he cries and sobs endlessly, it's always been the other way around. And why is he even apologizing? I should be the one apologizing! Finally coming to my senses I needily clutched my arms around Jude and squeezed him as tight as my bruised body would allow.

"Jude stop." I whispered into the smaller boy's hair.

The brown-eyed boy pulled back slowly at first, confused as to why I would be requesting him to stop when he had not once did that to me in the past, then he seemed to have realized the reason he was crying in the first place. "Oh my god, Connor I'm so sorry! You're bruised and cut and I practically just mobbed you! I'm so sorry!"

"Jude please stop saying that you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one that should be telling you sorry! I fucked up and I feel so bad!" I screamed and cried all at the same time, and now we were back to our previous arrangement. Jude cradling me in his arms, this time more gently, as I let loose the pain from hours, days, weeks, months of verbal and physical abuse.

"Connor you're gonna be okay. I'm not gonna leave you, and I'm not gonna let you go back to your bastard of a father." Jude rubbed circles into my back, somewhere where there surprisingly enough weren't that many bruises.

"I'm so sorry Jude! I love you!" The last three words leaving my mouth made my stomach do back flips despite my present state, and it was Jude's next words that began bringing me down from the edge I walked so closely to.

"I will always love you baby, and I'm always going to take care of you." I watched as a shade of guilt passed the paler boy's face and I frowned at the action. "I never should have walked out after he hurt you," Jude seemed to be talking to himself at this point rather than me.

The next half hour was filled with a comfortable silence both Jude and I used to enjoy each other's presence. While it hadn't been that long since I had lost my sanity and gone haywire on my boyfriend, but somehow knowing that you don't have somebody to turn to for just a few days makes the time stretch on. I could easily say that the last week of my life has been the longest and toughest week of my existence. As we had first slipped into the agreed silence I had been worried my mind would return to the dark place, but luckily enough I found myself able to just bask in the moment of somebody I loved deeply.

"I don't mean to break the silence, but can I see your bruises baby?" Jude asks as if he's walking on a thin sheet of ice.

I hesitate for a moment, all the bad scenarios haunting my brain before the good ones pulled weight. I slowly and insecurely lift my shirt above my head. Of course Jude has seen me shirtless before, but not when the vibrant trophies of my father littered my body. That's what I think of them as, trophies for my dad that I wear on my body, awards for him to show that he has complete control over who I am.

When my shirt was far enough above my head that he could see the darkened spots covering my skin I could hear the gasp that left his lips and the pain that shone through his features. "I'm so sorry Connor." Jude whispered sincerely before beginning his way on a long journey of tracing his lips across each tender spot on my torso. First I felt his soft, pink lips start near my shoulders where hands had gripped me to hold me in place. Next he ghosted his way down to ribs that were sore and tender. Transitioning from my ribs to my hips he mouthed gently at the yellow marks from later incidents then the other injuries. Finally after going back over each spot again I found the same lips, which had tried to kiss the pain away and make it all better, attach themselves to my own and suddenly I was mystified.

"You can come live with me." My boyfriend whispered against my face, his body still so close to mine.

"Thank you." I said while subconsciously sighing out loud in relief.

I suddenly realized the distance from happiness that I had felt for so long now. Happiness was safety and this was the first time in what felt like an eternity that I felt in control of my fate. Jude was my home, my protector, my safety blanket, my key to happiness, but arguably the most important, the love of my life.

We stood in the costume closet of the school hugging and kissing, and for once I actually felt pure bliss. It was perfect up until the point that I remembered I wasn't living a Disney movie, happy endings never actually work out, and my dad isn't about to let me go without a fight.

 **Thanks for reading! There's like two chapters left but I have some different ideas for stuff so comment and let me know which one you like best.**

 **A small sequel thing that wouldn't be very long, maybe 5ish chapters. A prequel that focuses on Jude and his coming out story (very little Connor in this). Or a recreation of this story from Jude's POV.**

 **It'd be great if you let me know what you think about the ideas. Thanks guys!**


	21. Chapter 20

**Song for this chapter is White Blood by Oh Wonder. I don't own anything.**

The rain trickling down the window pane caught my attention as I glanced around the room. I had been waiting for Jude to finish talking to his moms for nearly half an hour now. Jude had taken nearly an hour in that confining costume closet to convince me that telling his moms was the best option I had, really the only option I had. I don't know how I could have been lucky enough to meet Jude, what stars had to have aligned for me to meet such a perfect human being. From the corner of his eyes that scrunched together when he laughed to his soft, long fingers that always seemed to fold in the most bizarre ways, I loved him. Jude was the eye of the storm that was my life, always bringing peace and tranquillity in a life filled with nothing but bombs. I thought back to a time where two streets didn't intersect and what a bland and boring time that was. Jude was the fireworks in a clear summer sky, his eyes like the sparkles that fascinated many.

"Does the rain not make you sad?" Asked an amused voice from the frame of the door.

Looking up from the small puddle I had become entranced with while my mind ran I smiled at the figure in the doorway. The grin that stretched across my own cheeks seemed to spread to the boy standing across from me. Thinking more deeply I realized that our emotions really were attached to a long string, pulling one would only stretch out the other's.

"Not really." I paused before adding, "I wanna go dance outside Jude. Would you like to dance with me?"

Jude was slightly taken aback by my words at first before the light sparkled in his eyes. That light, even if it was just a flicker made a smile that couldn't possibly seem to get any bigger grow even further.

"I would love to dance with you in the rain." Jude responded with the charm of a true gentlemen.

Standing up from my place on the couch I removed my phone from my pocket, as well as Jude's from his, and then grabbed my lover lightly by the waist to pull him outside to the cool fall drizzle. Once we had reached the crisp air I felt Jude push himself further into my body, looking for warmth. I tightened my grip on the smaller boy and nuzzled my head into the top of his head where I placed a quiet kiss. Suddenly out of nowhere Jude removed himself from my side and took a step out into the water pouring from the sky.

"May I have this dance Mr. Stevens?" Jude said while using the most proper voice he could muster and displaying his hand out to me as well.

I giggled at the gesture but accepted nonetheless and enclosed our hands, longing for some kind of warmth to soothe my chills from the rain. We returned to our earlier position with my hands attached to Jude's hips, but this time I felt two small hands clasped around my neck. Swaying back and forth to music we found within ourselves, I felt at peace, not a care in the world except for the one in my arms. Before long I could tell that Jude was growing everly colder and I nudged closer to him so that his face was easily resting in my neck. Still swaying to a silent rhythm, I felt warm lips pressed against the tender spot of my neck. God how could one person be so perfect. Jude's delicate lips seemed to almost ghost over my skin, a promise that this wasn't over, a reminder of everything we've had.

"You don't have to do this alone Connor."

"I know that now." I leant down to catch the brown-eyed boys lips with my own. "Thank you Jude."

While the cold chilled me to the bone there was something about it that seemed to awaken nerves I didn't even know existed. The rain was like a bath washing all the of the past months away; the pain, the abuse, the emotions, the emptiness. This was a fresh start and it made me happier than I could actually fathom. I was ready for whatever struggles were to come next, whatever fight my dad put up was something that I could handle. I was ready to climb this mountain whether I ended up falling back down or reaching the peak, as long as Jude is by my side.

Another ten minutes must have passed before Jude's voice broke the light pattering of raindrops against the deck. "Connor I don't want you to be sad anymore." Our positions didn't change as we continued our endless swaying, the cold no longer having an effect on either of us. "You've spent your fair share of time down on yourself Connor, I'll help swing you out of this low."

Rather than giving Jude the acknowledgment I think he wanted I tried my best to express the need I had for him to be here right now. "Jude you give me happiness. I love you so much." I felt the beginning of my own tears begin to form trails down my cheeks, but for once they were tears of happiness.

Jude ripped himself from my tight grip only to run his hands up and down my arms and pointlessly wipe the tears that had collected in my eyes. I laughed at his actions. "We're soaking wet anyway, what's the point?"

"All I want is for you to be happy, is that too much to ask for?" Just the sound of his voice sent shivers running up my spine, and let butterflies loose in my stomach.

"No it isn't, and you're the number reason I work for it."

The next thing I knew I was lost in the lips of a boy who had swept me off my feet and made my heart hurt in ways no scientist could ever explain. Warm and swollen lips pressed together and felt so right, two mouths that only had so much to say, but too much to convey through their magical powers. This is what perfection felt like, I only hoped I didn't wake up to cold sheets and an even colder eyes staring me down.

. . .

"I honestly can't believe that you boys stayed outside in that freezing cold rain, you could have gotten sick." Jude's mom, Lena, said with a worried expression coating her face.

"We are completely fine mom, besides it's really not that cold." Jude defended the two of us.

"You keep telling yourself that mister." Pipped up Stef from her spot where she stood next to Lena.

Jude and I had been outside for nearly a half an hour before Jude's moms came out looking for the two of us, saying that we had a lot to discuss and they needed us to come inside. Now we were sat on the couch, Jude pressed up against my side and a thick blanket wrapped around the two of us. It didn't take long for me to find Jude's hand under the warm insulation and interlock our fingers. Just his touch was enough to put me at ease.

"So what do we need to talk about?" Jude asked politely.

Both Stef and Lena made eye contact, turning away from each other and eyes dulling as their faces sunk. I knew that my life couldn't just give me a break for five whole minutes.

"Well Connor we really don't mind if you stay with us for awhile but the thing is that we need to know why." Stef said in a calming tone despite her words.

I felt my hands begin to shake and my lip begin to tremble, as I attempted to hold back tears. I had never even thought about having to share my experiences with anybody other than Jude. It was true that I trusted Jude with my life and all my darkest secrets, but if I was being totally honest, I barely even knew his moms. The pressure from the situation and the stares of Stef and Lena caused my body to tense and my grip on Jude's hand to tighten.

"You need to tell them baby." I felt the weight of Jude's hand on my back as he leaned in further to whisper into my ear. "It's okay if you cry in front of them though, you shouldn't have to hold it in any longer Con."

I hesitantly nodded before looking down at my lap as if it held the answers to my future. This was going to be hard, but I just had to remember that Jude was here for me, with him here I could do anything. I took a deep breath through my nose and released it through my mouth. This was it, the first step from escaping the poison within my life.

"For years my dad has been neglectful and tried to mold me into exact son he wants, whether that's somebody I want to be or not." I paused for just a second to see Stef and Lena's reactions. They both wore wrinkled faces of concern, although they didn't seem to be too horrified just yet. I continued, "I think I've always known, but it wasn't until this year that I acknowledged my sexuality and considered coming out to my father. Just like me I think my dad always knew I wasn't that into girls." I stopped, this shouldn't be so hard, but for some fucking reason it was. "When I told him what we both had always known he refused to believe me and told me that no son of his would ever be gay."

This was the point when I started to feel the tears threatening me in the most menacing way, collecting in my eyes but refusing to fall.

"After finding out about Jude and realizing that I wasn't going to conform so easily he began to abuse me verbally, and then…" I stopped, my daze focused on the opposite wall for I don't know how long. Stef and Lena waiting patiently as I tried my best to collect myself.

It's weird how people are ashamed to admit the things that have happened to them. I hated that I had been abused, hated that I carried the weight of that around. I had done nothing wrong yet I still felt the guilt of a thousand criminals.

Jude continued to do anything he could to ease the tension from my body, ease the scars of pain that were so clearly seared into my head. "My dad began beating me after he caught Jude and I in my room. He would have hurt Jude too if he wasn't more concerned in taking me out. I'm so sorry." It was with this last confession that the two caring women seemed to understand the weight of the situation. "For nearly a week now he has been beating me until I admit that I'm straight. The sad part, the part I feel so bad about, is that I started to believe him."

The silence that followed was haunting in a way, it seemed to consume everything in the room, including myself. In an attempt to gain some kind of comfort I cuddled further into Jude until I don't think it was physically possible for us to get an closer. The weight of the moment pressed down on my shoulders. Yes this could be it, Stef and Lena could take this information and run with it, it was surely enough to get me out of my father's custody. The bruises and scars that consumed my body would be enough, but I am tired of living with just enough, I want him to pay his fair share for once.

"Connor I don't know what to say." Lena spoke up, "I'm so sorry we never noticed, but we're gonna do whatever it takes to get you out of that house and your dad taken care of okay?" I nodded in agreement. Yes, that's what I want, just to be out of that house, to be safe for once.

Lena and Stef continued explaining to me what was going to happen but I have to admit that I zoned out more than once. There was so much running through my head that I just couldn't think straight, my heart was screaming at me to just tell them, yet my brain was telling me that it was stupid. The last thing I want is for my dad to get out of prison in ten years and come after me for sharing things I was never supposed to utter.

"Connor!" Jude said as he lightly elbowed me in the arm to get my attention. I looked up at him and he gave me a soft smile before pointing to his moms.

"Connor are you okay? You seem to be distant. I know this can be a lot at once, you and Jude can go take a nap and we will discuss it in a little bit."

I took a sharp intake of breath. No I had just about worked up the courage to tell them and now I was getting sent off to sleep. Just as it had previously done, my lip began to quiver and my palms began to sweat.

"Con are you okay? Is there something else you want to say?" Leave it to Jude to know exactly what's wrong with me.

"Ummm yeah I guess there is." I said with a cracking voice. "Well.. It's just that I forgot to like tell you everything… you know everything about my dad." I wasn't even surprised at this point when I felt a hand place itself on my thigh.

"Go ahead Connor, the more we know the better." Lena responded gently.

"My mom is dead." I said solemnly.

It was almost amazing how in sync the three gasps that followed were. "Oh Connor, I'm so sorry."

"And my dad killed her."

 ***insert dramatic music here***

 **Alright so sorry that kinda sucked. It is edited, but very poorly.**

 **I'm gonna try to have the last chapter and the epilogue up within the next week but I make no promises.**

 **-Aly**


	22. Chapter 21

**Just a warning, there is some pretty graphic stuff in this chapter** **including the murder so please skip to about half way through if that is going to bother or trigger you.** **Song is Night Trouble by Petit Biscuit.**

Sweat dripped from my face as Jude pulled my shaking figure closer to him. The circles being rubbed into my back relaxed my tense muscles but only slightly. The stress of the trial tomorrow was too much on top of my horrifying nightmare that I had just had.

When asked if I wanted to go to the trial my immediate answer was no, that was until they informed me that I had to in order to be a witness. Saying that the two weeks leading up to the trial were a blur would be an understatement. Bringing up memories I had done such a good job of repressing most of my life was nothing short of difficult. My mother was never reported dead, not a single soul aware that she was even killed except for me and my father. Ever since it had happened I was brain-washed into believing that she had just left the two of us. I told everybody that my dad and her had had a fight and she left, never to be found again. I honestly couldn't tell you why I went along with the story for so long. Maybe because that's what I wanted to believe, leave a shred of hope that someday I would just so happen to run into her while at a grocery store in Florida.

I knew when I told Stef and Lena about the scarring crime I would be asked questions. I was the only source of any information, one of the only witness the prosecution could use in the trial. They asked me about everything: when it happened, how it happened, how I knew, and why I never told anybody. At times it felt as if I was the one being interrogated for committing an inexcusable crime. During those weeks I dreamt flashback after flashback, always to wake up wrapped in Jude's arms, I wonder how he didn't get tired of my balling. Tonight was one of those nights.

"Connor, baby, maybe it would help if you told me about it." Jude whispered into my ear. "You don't have to though, I completely understand if you don't want to."

I sighed, Jude had been so understanding in all of this that it was hard to not give him what he wanted. It was hard though, no matter how badly I wanted to I just couldn't seem to bring myself to do it. I ran Jude's idea around in my head, would it actually help if I recounted the events to somebody who cared about me on the level that he did?

"I guess I could try." I mumbled into his chest. "I don't know how well it will go though." I admitted honestly.

"That's okay baby, just do whatever you're comfortable with." Jude moved his hand that was kneading circles into my back to my head and began running his fingers through my hair. I waited a minute to collect my thoughts and relax my body before I began the tale.

"I was eight." I had only spoke three words and I was already overwhelmed with emotion and pain. How was I ever going to make it through the trial tomorrow?

"The years leading up to that were fine I guess, looking back I had a fairly good childhood. My parents never really fought that much and everything seemed like a far off movie, a perfect family, friends, I was average at school and sports, not amazing but not bad either." The whole time I spoke Jude continued nodding his head in reassurance, giving me the strength I needed to continue before I even got to the hard part.

"Maybe you can imagine, or maybe you can't but my whole world fell apart when I woke up to screaming and bangs against my bedroom wall. My first instinct was to stop them like a teacher would stop two kids fighting on the playground." I knew at this point that my eyes must be glazed over, even if I tried to prevent it I couldn't help but relive that night in my head. "When I went into their bedroom I found my mom practically in the wall, she had been thrown so hard. It was obvious that she had hit the same spot several times. I remember thinking about how that meant that my dad was going to have to work an extra weekend to pay to fix it. " I felt the tears well up in my eyes and drop all at once, why the fuck did any of this happen in the first place?

"The hole is still there to this day, a constant reminder of what happened to her that night." I paused again trying to even out my shaky breathing. "When I stepped in front of my dad and told him to stop I remember my mom screaming 'Connor, I'm okay! Just go over to Charlotte's house.' I didn't want to leave her though, she was my hero, I was so much closer to her than my dad and seeing him with smoke practically steaming out of his ears, painted him as a monster in my mind." I sighed as the next set of horrific memories flashed past my eye lids. "It took me so long to realize that he truly is a monster."

At this point I was practically wrapped around Jude like a koala, he couldn't shake me even if he wanted to.

"I was dragged by my shirt to my room where my dad locked me in the closet." I stopped for what seemed like the hundredth time, silently cursing myself for not being able to tell the story all the way through. I just felt so pathetic. "I banged on the door but he had already left to go back to his room, directly on the other side of my closet wall." I choked back whimpers that threatened to overtake the rest of the story. "He screamed to my mom that there was no way she could be bisexual, no way he would have ever even dated her if she was."

Jude's jaw dropped at my most recent plot twist. "I guess my dad has always been a homophobic ass." I almost wanted to chuckle at the irony of it all, it amazed me that one person's beliefs could fuck up two people's lives on such a big scale. "I guess I was asking for it when I came out. All I wanted to do was make my mom proud though, and I know she wouldn't have wanted me to stay in the closet for thirty years like she did." I was full out sobbing at this point, no reason to hold back tears that would only hurt more on the inside. I'm sure Jude was trying to comfort me in that moment, but the only thing easing away the violent shaking and breathless tears was the thought of my mom's hands around me when I would have come out to her. She would have been so supportive, she would have helped me through this, done anything to get rid of my ridicule of a father. Thinking of her made me determined to finish the wretched story. I took a final deep breath and pushed my way through with my jaw clenched.

"The screaming and sound of her body being thrown into the wall must have lasted an hour, the whole time my screams of terror and pleading were mixed in as well. I think it must have been around 2:30 a.m. when I heard a final cut-throat sob and then the silence that followed. Imagine the worst noise you can think of. That was my mom's screams. But the silence that followed was a million times worse because that meant she was gone and I was left with the silence of the next six years, words and lectures she would never speak."

Jude's face was horrified at this point, but I couldn't stop. He had been right, this was therapeutic and I needed to continue for my own sanity. "I'm pretty sure that he had slit her throat. I don't know what he did with her body. I do know that I was left in that stupid closet until noon the next day. After he returned he ignored me for another two hours. Once I was released he sat me down and told me that she had left and that she wouldn't be coming back. I wasn't to try and contact her or go looking for her. If anybody asked I was supposed tell them that she had run away because she was a coward." I sighed in resentment, I hated him. I hated the person he was, I hated the actions he committed, I hated the things he made me believe and all the pain he put me through, but what I hated the most was that he threw away my lifeline, my best friend, and the person I loved most in the world.

"He did the same thing to brainwash me then that he has done recently. A smack across the face until I say the words he wants to hear. Molding me into somebody I despise with every fiber of my being. I hate him Jude! He took away everything good in my life! He took away her! I miss her so much!"

That was the final straw, I let the wall crumble, the hurricane crash into the shore full force. I had never really been given the time to grieve and now I was. I grieved for a mother that never got to raise me, a mother who never got to be herself because my father is too much of a dick. But I didn't just grieve for her. I choked on sobs of pain and sorrow for the little kid who spent six years of his life living in constant fear, a kid who grew up at the age of eight because he knew and saw more things than anybody should see in their whole life. I grieved for a lost childhood that was only resurrected when feet were planted on a band practice field and when eyes landed on a boy that would become an anchor. Cause he was, without Jude I don't think I would have been able to deal with the past three months alone, I would have broke, and the pieces would have been too scattered to pick up. But somehow he stopped the crack from dividing all the way and I was still here.

"I love you Connor, more than you'll ever know, and I'll always be here for you, no matter what."

I didn't know if I could bring my voice to say anything else, my throat too raw from sobbing, so instead I closed my eyes and let the corners of my mouth lift up just enough for my agreement to be recognized. I like to think that if my mom were to have survived that night she would have been a lot like Jude.

. . .

Somehow the next day I was able to make it through the trial without breaking down or having an anxiety attack. I felt different than I did two days ago, I finally felt free. Free of truths that had never been told, and free of a father that had never felt an ounce of love towards me or my mom. It didn't take long for the jury to choose their verdict, even with me as the prosecution's only witness. Plenty of investigating had been done on the whereabouts of Sarah Stevens, none of which were found. He was finally going to be gone, locked away in a prison where he belonged, getting a taste of his own treatment.

"Connor are you okay?" Lena asked softly so that she didn't scare me as she placed a comforting hand on my back.

"I think I'm okay." I said honestly. Things could only get better from here right? "Lena, can I ask you a question?" I said shyly.

"Of course sweetie, ask me anything." She responded while she sat down across from me outside the house.

"Where am I going. Nobody on my dad's side of the family will take me in, they're all homophobic like him, and probably hate me for putting him behind bars and my mom never even introduced me to her side of the family."

She seemed to do her best to hold back a very lengthy sigh. She reached out and started rubbing my back in a similar way Jude always did when trying to put me at ease. Who knows maybe Lena did that for Jude and he picked it up without knowing. "If I'm being completely honest I don't know Connor. Right now you can stay with us, and really for as long as you need to, but legally I don't know yet."

"So this means that as soon as I get away from my abusive father I'm left without a home? Where do I belong?" I asked, my thoughts getting more depressing by the second. That is until I felt arms wrap around my torso from behind. At first I jumped until I recognized the touch and melted back into Jude. Lena smiled at the sight in front of her, the corners of her mouth only dropping slightly when Jude leaned down to my ear and whispered to me.

"You belong with me Connor Stevens."

I didn't really know how to react to Jude's light words. I was happy, relieved, worried, and ecstatic all at the same time. I loved Jude so much but at the same time I was terrified of being ripped away from him to go live with a distant relative I didn't even know. I just didn't want whatever this was to end.

Lena cleared her throat before continuing on with our previous conversation. "Connor I can't honestly say I know what is going to happen, but I can promise you that we will do everything in our power to make sure you are okay and end up somewhere safe."

"Thank you."

"Of course," Lena smiled again, "Now why don't you to go on a walk or something before dinner."

Jude made eye contact with me and I nodded my head in reply, he gleamed and grabbed my hand to drag me off towards the sidewalk. As soon as we were far enough away from the house for nobody to hear us we began a casual conversation, Jude ensuring me that nothing bad was going to happen.

"Jude you can't guarantee anything. You don't know what's going to happen." I said sadly, our hands still clutched together.

"No I don't, but I do know that I love you enough to do everything in my power to keep you safe, even if it means you having to move away or something." Jude's words caught me off guard. Moving away? Did Lena and Stef tell Jude something that they didn't tell me? Was that a possibility?

"Wait babe, what do you mean moving away?" I asked nervously while grabbing both of his hands to turn him so that he was facing me.

He seemed to be struggling for words as he subconsciously ran his fingers up and down my hands, tracing my knuckles with his thumbs. "I mean I don't know, but nevermind forget I said anything." He sighed and then brought his hand to my face were he stared deeply into my eyes. "Let's just forget about all of it tonight, okay? Forget about everything that has happened in the past, and everything that could potentially happen in the future."

I was still apprehensive about dropping the subject, but I knew he was right. For just one night I wanted to relax and not have one care in the world, to enjoy nothing other than the company of my beautiful boyfriend. "You're right Judicorn. We should go to the beach and watch the sunset."

Jude rolled his eyes at the nickname before spreading his lips apart in a wide smile. I knew how much Jude loved sunsets and I just wanted to do something that would make him happy for once, he sure did enough in my life to try to make me happy.

The next ten minutes we spent walking to the beach was a peaceful silence, comfortable in the best way. It wasn't like the six years after my mom died where the silence haunted my brain. The difference was that I spent that quiet time locked away in an isolated prison, afraid of what would happened if I dare try to break out. Now the silence was shared with somebody I loved, at any time it could end and the aftereffects would be no different than the time before. I imagined Jude and I had the same thoughts running through our heads. All that occupied the space of my mind were ways that I could potentially express my love for the brown-eyed boy.

Before I knew it sand was between our toes and we had timed it just perfectly. The sun was sinking below the horizon and the clouds were lit up like a child's lavalamp. Without even having to communicate Jude knew to walk down the beach a little bit where nobody was within eyesight. I placed myself down next to Jude and wrapped an arm around him. The feeling of doing the holding instead of being held was foreign, but I liked it nonetheless. If I had to guess I would say that there were about fifteen minutes of sunlight left when Jude finally broke the lull that had encompassed us for nearly an hour now.

"Con, I know I tell you this all the time, but I just need to explain all of it to you now, because I don't think you understand." I nodded my head to Jude's statement, showing him that I was listening and encouraging him to continue. "I know it's cliche but you are the sun in the center of my solar system. Those couple of days when you wouldn't talk to me, when you told me that you hated me, they were easily some of the worse days of my life, even worse than when I was struggling with coming out. Pain is a lot different from when you inflict it on yourself, at least then you know why, but when others do it, you are left wondering. Now by no means am I trying to make you feel guilty or something, I just need you to know that I wasn't about to stop at any lengths to try and get you back. You changed my life the day I found out you weren't some popular ass." We both giggled a little at his previous words, by no means was I ever popular.

"You had such a great effect on my life and I wouldn't change any of that. You often think that you depend on me a lot, but I don't think you know that you are the last thing I think about every night before I go to bed, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I hate to see you sad and somehow I made it my goal in life to bring you happiness, something I never plan on stopping. Connor I love you more than I can explain, and would do anything it took to be with you forever."

I felt the tears run down my cheeks, leaving trails of happiness pooling under Jude's thumb as he wiped them away. The only way to describe this boy was; too good for the world. I composed myself after several minutes of happy tears and exchanged smiles. The whole way here I thought of ways to express my love to Jude, and I guess now was my chance.

"I don't know how I could possibly follow that up, but I know for once I have to use my words." Jude just smiled at that, he knew I thought words were hard.

"I was so broken before I found you, and crumbling even more when you found me. I felt so bad that I was handing you a bunch of puzzle pieces and asking you to put them back together without the picture on the box, yet you did it anyway. I was in a whirlwind of a storm when you found me, only having peace for the first few weeks that we dated. I guess you could say that that was the eye of this hurricane. No matter how down I was feeling, you always put up with me and did your best to make me feel better. You made me feel loved when nobody else in my life was, you gave me something to live for. I don't know what else to say other than I don't think I would be alive today if it wasn't for you Jude." I could tell that at this point Jude was trying so hard not to sob, his jaw clenched to keep the tears hidden away. I hugged him closer to me and continued the rest of my speech in a whisper close to his ear.

"Jude I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't even know if the storm is over. For all I know there is still a whole other side, and this is just the eye of it. But no matter what happens I know I can count on you to be my anchor and my lighthouse, keeping me tied down and pointed in the right direction. I love you more than words Jude."

There was no point in trying to stop the tears both of us held in our eyes, our declarations too much for either of our hearts to hold. After about five minutes of wiping each other's wet trails down our cheeks we found a new position of Jude sitting in front of me and my arms wrapped around his smaller body. The last few minutes of the sunset shone across the ocean and I smiled to myself. I didn't know what was going to happen next, but I did know that this was perfect and I couldn't ask for anything more. I never wanted to leave _this moment in time_.

. . .

 **That's the end.**

 **Look for an A/N soon with an announcement.**

 **Ily guys...**

 **-Aly**


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